Changes. Letting Go.

It is so crazy how quickly life changes. How quickly feelings change. Everything happens in a blink of an eye. And change is never easy. Big changes are so unexpected they are hard to adjust to sometimes.

I feel like the little changes are harder than the big ones. As unexpected as the big ones are, it is very clear and easy to know that you need to make adjustments. The little things in life, they don't scream change and usually go by unnoticed. When I look back on life, I notice the little things. I notice (in hind-sight) how the little things snowballed down. Eventually the little things became the big things.

I don't know if you'll ever read this. Frankly, I don't really care if you do or not. This blog is really just for me. Few people know about it and that's okay. You were both a big and little change. Unexpected and unnoticed. But definitely life changing.

I guess I knew all along that things wouldn't work. I think that is one of the hardest parts for me to come to terms with. Deep down I knew, I knew and I still let myself fall. And everyone told me to not to but I wouldn't listen. My gut told me not to, that I would be better off. But something about it felt right. And having that little glimmer was enough for me.

Things were good. Things were really good for quite a while. I mean, there were still some bumps in the road, but nothing we couldn't overcome. That hope grew and grew. It grew larger than the doubt and I began ignoring my gut. I was content. I was ready for the next step. But we had to wait until we were in the same town.

I guess that should've been a flag. If we were going to have a future it shouldn't matter if we aren't in the same town. We should want the future to start as soon as possible. I did. Your priorities were different though. I was not at the top of your list...or even the top 5. And ever so slowly I kept falling on your list.

I gave you excuses for that. "Oh, he's just busy with stuff."  "We usually only talk at night, that's okay."  "We are more talkative during the weekends."  "He has other things to be doing than seeing me."  "He'll respond later." Now, I'm not saying you needed to put me at the top of your list and treat me like a queen. No. That's not it. But I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel like I mattered to you.

Sadly, this isn't the first time that has happened. Where seemingly out of the blue you stop talking to me. Where we used to talk everyday to where we went weeks without talking. That was hard to adjust to. It happened slowly enough that I didn't know it was happening until you weren't responding to anything.

When I finally talked to you about it you turned it around on me. It was my fault, how dare I expect so much from you at a time like this, I'm just adding to your stress. It is so crazy how you are never in the wrong. Because obviously you could do no wrong. I can't believe I expected some communication from you. I mean, we were pretty much dating. But whatever.

Oddly enough. We went through about the same timeline the first time we were almost a thing...or an unofficial thing. About a solid year and a half. And it was all on me. It was all my fault, my personality, my actions, according to you. It was really hard for me to be okay with being friends with you after that. It was a lot of work for me.

This time is hard too. Maybe harder than the last (but easier at the same time). Part of me was still guarded from before, part of me knew it wouldn't work. I guess I could tell that things were changing when you got your job...and then quit.

I guess. The point of all this. A month ago I would've done anything. And now, I see how much effort you put in, and I just cant keep putting myself out there to get no response form you. Even just as friends, I can't just have a conversation with you. Things change so fast.

I want you in my life. But right now, I don't think it is possible. I want to be there for you because I know that life isn't that great right now. But I don't think I can. You haven't been there for me. You've hurt me...a lot. It is going to take a while to get over it. Someone asked me if I ever loved you. I don't know. Maybe I did once...or maybe I never have. Maybe I just loved the idea of you. But I guess we'll never find out now.

Sometimes, I think about the future. And one day I randomly run into you, we haven't talked in years and everything is great between us. The timing is finally perfect. I don't think the timing for anything will ever be prefect. If it is important to you, you go for it, and the change is easy and accepted with open arms. It is when the change isn't expected or wanted where we have problems.

The change that comes into our life, whether we want it or now, will talk us on the path we need to get on. Sometimes, we have to make the same mistakes more than once because the first time didn't put us on the right path or fully teach us the lesson.

So for now, I'm going to try to do this with minimal ties with you. I think that's best for me. I want this next year of schooling to focus on me. And if things happen to come around, great. If not, that's okay too.

Bumper Cars

I was looking through old pictures and deleting some screenshots I have taken. I ran across a picture of one of our conversations. You asked me what I had thought might happen between up in 2016. I was thinking about that today.

I want things to go somewhere. I want them to start evolving. I want to know there is a plan for the future and that we aren't just wasting time. Assuming that things happen like we say, I need a few things to change. I'm not that happy right now with things. I'm probably going to sound a little demanding, but I really need some of these things to start to change.

So. I need to feel like I am part of your life. I don't want to create a future with someone where I don't know what is going on in their life. If your busy, that's fine, but nobody is ever busy enough that they can't take 5 seconds out of their day to send a quick text to check in. If I know that I'll get a better conversation from you on the weekend, then I'll wait to share things until them. But I would like a little "Hey, hope everything is going well." message every now and again.

If you're trying to figure things out, let me help. That is what I am here for. I don't want you to have to go through this on your own and you shouldn't have to. I want to be there for you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to know what you are debating about in your head. I want to know these things. I need your full attention sometimes. I feel alone when replies come every 45 minutes. That is a long time to wait for a reply, especially when I really needed someone to talk to.

I need to feel like I am part of your family. I don't really know anything about your family. If it is hard to talk about, I get it. But I hope you trust me enough that you don't mind sharing these hard conversations with me. That's how we grow and learn together. But if we aren't given the opportunity, nothing will change.

I need you to be open and willing to doing different things with me. I really enjoy going up to the mountains for the day. I want you to experience that with me. As I want you to share your life with me, I want to share my life with you. I want you to feel like you are part of my life. I want you by my side through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I want us to work together, as partners, I don't want us to have to do this thing on our own. If things don't start to change, I might have to bow out. I would rather know that I'm not in a position to count on you, that there are no strings attached with us. It hurts. I feel sad and unappreciated when you're "too busy" to say hey. I get being busy. I understand having a lot on your plate, but I just don't see how it is so full that you can't say hi.

I feel like I need to stand up for myself in this part of our relationship right now. If you want to work for this, I am all in. But if I'm not near the top of your list, I'll find someone else who will put me up there. I need to feel like I am respected in this and right now, I don't really feel that way. I will give what I receive and right now, that isn't a lot. This isn't an ultimatum, but I want it to be a push in the direction we've talked about, a push to have a meaningful talk and compromise about what we expect.

I want to work on this, on us. But I need you to want it too.

Insight to My World

You've been asking for years about "what's going on in your brain?". I have tried to figure it out for you, but it is a little difficult. There will be quite a few stories to help explain everything.

So in general:

My brain is on constant alert. 24/7. It is always going. Not just random thoughts like "Oh, I want a dog."  or "I need to clean." or "I like this song." They are more repetitive and worrisome.

"What if this happens?" "Did I forget to do this? Oh I better go check." *Check* *Worry that I checked wrong* *Check again* *Worry that checking it didn't work* *Check again* *Worry that I only checked it three times* *Check again*

I overthink and overanalyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Every single second of my day. Everything I say. Everything people tell me. Their body language. My body language.

When I was about 8 I started this thing where I bite my lips according to my age. I make sure there are an equal amount of bites on the left and right side, as well as the top and bottom of my lips. Weird, I know. I do this every day. Especially when I get nervous, I bite and count. I don't know why I do, what provoked me to start it...but it is what I do. Maybe it calms me down? I don't know. But I do it. At least once I day, usually when I wake up. I've probably wasted a year of my life doing this.

In social situations:

I need control. I need to make sure my environment is safe and secure. That need for control makes first day of classes really, really hard. When I was in elementary school I would get very anxious on the first day.

I remember the first day of fourth grade I had a complete meltdown when my mom took me to my classroom. Even though I knew the large majority of the class, I didn't know the teacher, it was my first year in the school without Nate, and I was on a different side of the school that I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to do or where I was going to sit or where my best friend was or who I was going to sit by at lunch or if I was going to make it through the day. All of those thoughts hit me at once and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like the room was caving in on me and I couldn't leave. They wouldn't let me. I had to sit there and panic while everyone else had a seemliness transition into the first day of school. I still think about it to this day.

Another story. I actually don't remember how old I was but I was either going into 5th or 6th grade. I was in girl scouts back in the day. My friend Jacqui and I convinced our parents to sign us up for this week long camp. It was cheaper if a chaperon came with so Jacqui's mom and my dad signed up as well. We had to go to check-in early becasue our parents were chaperons and they had to be placed at a certain camp. I went in thinking I was going to have this awesome adventure week with my dad and I was very mistaken. Because we live in a society where people have to talk to strangers and make new friends they separated us from our parents, I was lucky that they didn't separate Jacqui and I. The only time I would see my dad was at meals but they wanted us to sit with our camps so we could make friends. I would panic at every meal. Three times a day for a week. He would wave while we were eating. When I knew it was getting close to clean up time where we all went our separate ways I would panic. I didn't want people to know I was having some sort of separation anxiety (I didn't know that is what it was at the time) so I said I would get headaches because of the noise (it did get pretty noisy).
-- A little side note: Oggy came on this trip with me and everyone in my camp made fun of me for it. Girl Scouts were bitches.

ANYWAY! Back to my brain during social encounters.

I feel a constant need to please everyone. Make sure everyone is happy. I hate confrontation because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So in turn I put everyone's needs in front of mine. However, I have become pretty good at knowing when I need to stop and take time for myself. I fear that if someone I admire or someone that I am close to leaves me alone, they won't come back. Dramatic, I know. I also worry about what people think of me (to a point, and I don't know how to explain it). I feel like I bother people so I give them space, but giving them space makes it seem like I'm pushing them away and that I don't want to be friends, which isn't the case. It is a constant battle. It also goes the other way. When people don't respond to a message my brain thinks that they hate me, don't want to talk to me anymore, and would rather not have me in their life. Thanks, brain.

I am always out of my comfort zone. Always. I hate meeting new people. Absolutely hate it. I feel like people are always judging me, thinking all of these negative thoughts about me. I even think that way about acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in a while. I worry about all of the "what ifs" when I'm talking to people. Because my mind is going on it's on train wreck of thoughts I don't speak up much. I'm too consumed with the worrisome thoughts to start conversations or to pipe up in a discussion.
--Side note: When I come back and we get together, I try so, so hard. I still get worried and nervous when talking to you. Here is why: I'm not used to how you communicate in person, I still worry about saying the "wrong" things, and can't control the environment around you. That uncertainty kills me. It gets better, every little bit counts, but it is so hard sometimes.

I have a fear of letting people down. Which, I think is why I am stuck in this place right now. I just feel like I have let people down already and I don't want it to snowball down. No volleyball genetics - let down. No desire to party/do adult things at 21 - let down. I'm not a straight A student - let down. Nobody celebrates an almost straight A student.

The thing is, I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. I just can't stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. I feel sometimes like I'm always disappointing people. I worry so much about making sure I live up to their expectations, especially doing things like this internship, I feel like I've lost my own expectations of myself.

Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.

I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.

I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.

Emerald Isle

What a wonderful, exciting place to bring in 2016. Ireland. I can't even write the words to explain how beautiful this country is. I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity to travel there with Western Thunder.

If we are being honest, I didn't go there to perform. I went there for Ireland. Performance were just part of the package.

I saw some breathtakingly beautiful places from castles to cliffs. I never expected I would have this experience. Kilkenny will be deeply missed. Such a quaint small town, home of the Kilkenny Castle.

I'll let my pictures tell my story.

Ireland.

You will be deeply missed.

But I will come back soon.

Maybe,

Maybe for forever.

<3

Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

.:. You .:.

People always ask me why I picked you. Why I didn't try to go for someone else. I would tell them, "You just don't know him like I do." or, "He's my best friend." Very generic. Nothing deep. They wouldn't care to listen if I gave them the whole answer.

So, why did I choose you? Because I did. It's simple, yet elaborate.

With you life seems simple, yet elegant at the same time. In a room full of people, even when I know you won't be there, your face is the first face I look for. I'm hoping maybe one day you'll pop into one of my classes but I doubt that will happen. I love seeing your name pop up on my phone. I am drawn to you in a way I've never been drawn to anyone else. You make me calm. Being in your presence excites me and allows me to be myself. Since knowing you I've laughed extremely hard, and you've allowed me to be me without the judgments.

I never would've thought I'd end up liking you when I first met you. I mean, I was dating your best friend. I was more concerned about you liking me for him rather than you liking me as me. But as they say, life happens and feelings change. As hard as it was on both of us, I had to let him go to have you. You had to lose him for quite a while to have me. It brought us closer, just like everything since then. And after some hard work and patience we got his friendship back.

I've watched you grow and change into the person you are today. You pushed me to do better and be better. You helped me grow and change and showed me the power of being resilient. That bouncing back is the best thing you can do in life. You showed me that I am enough and don't have to change. That's not to say that you have bounced back from everything or you haven't felt down on yourself. But you got through it all and that's what matters.

I see who you are in multiple different lights. I've seen your faults and your strengths. I've seen you inspire people. You inspire people to be energetic, talkative, optimistic, caring, and open. That's what you are. You are full of positive energy. You are a phenomenal conversationalists. You care, maybe a little too much sometimes and maybe not enough. You're open to others, their stories, thoughts, or concerns. You put other people at ease, you put me at ease. You are a stellar friend. I see you being a great teacher, husband, and father. You are so much more than what you're not -- you are already full of so much greatness. Sometimes I wish you could see what I see. I'm in awe of you and what your presence does to others.

We are two puzzle pieces. I didn't realize from the beginning but I see it now: We fit together. We tried many times to get it right. One of us turning to try to fit with the other, eventually we got it right. If the rest of my life was eating pasta, next to you, watching the sunset well, that would be one hell of a life to live. You still make me anxious, but in the best way. You get me. You get the Disney, the traveling, the kids, the food. You understand me. You make me anxious and calm me down at the same time. I'm not worried about things with you because I know with you, everything will be fine.

It's you. Always.

I fee close to you. I trust you. I see a future with you. I see us building a legacy together. You're special to me. Together we're something spectacular. They say life is always about timing. We've gotten the timing wrong so many times before. But we've both grown. You became more you and I became more me. We've both grown into the adults we're supposed to be. I'm not as shy, timid, or uncertain with you. I know what I want. I want you. I want us.

We talk about "friends always first" and that's great. I'm glad we're making this pact to always be in each others lives. Eventually we'll have to put a label on us. If anything "Best Friends" will always be our label. But sometimes I'm hoping for something a little more.

If you read this, which I doubt you will, it's up to you. I know why we're playing the waiting game. Sometimes you just need to jump and take a risk. Remember we've both grown and matured so things are on the right track.

The ball is in your court. If you want me, I'm all yours.