You Matter To Me

I haven't posted in a few months, had writers block. But I've recently had some inspiration so, here I am, writing.

We've had this chat multiple times about figuring out what we wanted, who we were, and what we expected from a relationship before anything became a thing. Maybe I didn't understand at the time, maybe the two years of life you had on me were giving you an advantage of planning this out. Maybe you just knew and maybe I'm just a little slow. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to figure it out

Our last falling out hit me hard. To me it came out of nowhere. I thought I was being supportive and understanding but maybe I was smothering you too much. Maybe all you needed was this space and time to figure out your life. And I needed to figure out myself. Looking back, even though I hated it and had quite a few negative feelings towards you, I'm glad it happened.

-- I am more confident with myself. I don't need you to help me, I can do this on my own. But if you're there, I'm going to use you as support.

-- I know how much I am willing to put up with. If you start getting shady then you've made your choice. I'm not going to put up with crappy friends anymore.

-- I also know what I expect from a relationship now, at least, more than I did before. Actually, what I expect from friendships as well.I don't like sounding all high-and-mighty but when it comes to my well-being and happiness, I'm going to sound like that. I don't want to settle on a relationship just because it is convenient. I want to have fun and be serious. Honesty. Comfort. Someone who unknowingly makes me a better person.

-- I know how to be happy on my own. I think before I depended on you too much and now I've realized that you don't dictate my happiness but that your words and actions can influence my happiness but they don't make or break it. I get to do that.

-- I also know more of what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who will let me in their life, tell me about their feelings and thoughts, share their past, let me in during hard times. I want someone who makes me laugh, but can also have serious conversations. I want to feel like our conversations are genuine, I don't want to feel like we have the same conversations with other fiends we are close with. I want us to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play and I want a playful relationship where we just enjoy each others company.

I don't know if it is you. I don't know if I want it to be you either. But somewhere inside me keeps pulling me to you and makes me think that it is you. You are going to be my person. You cause me so many conflicting emotions it is hard to make out what I really feel sometimes. But recently I think I'm starting to figure it out..maybe.

Here are some things I do know:

I really enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your stories and insights. We have a connection that I don't have with anyone else and I want to cherish it. There are conversations that I only have with you. I am excited for your future and all of the great things you'll do. You matter to me. I care about you and your happiness.

But then I start to think, do I tell you? Should I just be blunt and get it all out and if things aren't reciprocal just pick up the pieces and move on? Or do I wait a little longer? What do I even expect to come from telling you?  Maybe I should figure that out before I say anything. Right now, we are still growing on our own, but I feel like we are also growing together...slowly. Or maybe I'm just picturing what I want instead of what is actually happening. I feel very content with things right now. For now I'll leave it as, you matter to me. I'll figure everything out later. 

Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Vulnerability

Being single....but wanting a relationship...but not wanting to put in the work...or risk getting hurt...or dealing with the "what if"... etc.

That's how my brain is working right now. I hate it.

I'm single. Don't necessarily want to be. However, I don't want to put myself out there. I would much rather hermit in my apartment watching hours and hours of Netflix while my possible soulmate is off doing something more exciting.

Sometimes I think: yeah, I'll go out and be social, meet new people, being more outgoing than I've even been... But I also don't want to risk getting. Doing that, putting myself out there, it's not worth it to me. I've been hurt in ways I didn't think possible by people I didn't think would ever hurt me. I don't want to feel like that.

Even if I meet a guy in class and we start talking and I start to develop a crush I go though this thing where I think of all the possible outcomes. What if we do this, what if they find out about blah, blah, blah; what if they don't like x, y, z. I wonder if they're thinking about me, what do they think about me, etc.

Going though that is absolutely terrible. It's not fun for me to be worried constantly if I am my crush's crush. Even if we start dating I worry about things like this.

Although most of my relationships don't go that far because I find reasons to run. I hate hanging myself on a line for someone, waiting on their every move. So, when I feel myself getting too close I make reasons to go away.

I don't want to risk myself getting hurt so I stop. I make an excuse as to why the relationship isn't working just in case I fall to hard and it really doesn't work. I save myself hurt. Feeling vulnerable sucks. But it has to happen in relationships.

Being vulnerable takes immense strength. It takes putting yourself out there, and doing what is in your heart and your soul.

It means admitting you love someone before he has told you he loves you. It means showing when you are sad. It means learning to be okay with your anxieties and fears and learning to turn them into strengths that lead you to emotional freedom.

You can't control the other person. All their actions could affect you positively and negatively. And that's scary for me. You have no idea what's going to happen and I hate not knowing things like that. I'm a planner so having all of these uncertainties kills me.

Sometimes I think, yes. Throw yourself out there. Test the waters. And I think about it. I want to do it. But I can never bring myself to go in there head first. So instead, I just think about meeting my soulmate...what he looks like, what his personality is, what his interests are. Hmm. They're happy thoughts! They make me think that he's real. Almost like a fairy tale. I would love for prince charming to take me away on a white horse and we live happily ever after. But alas. Life has a different plan for me right now. 

Maybe I'm supposed to close myself off, to not feel emotions, to not feel vulnerable. I've been hurt. I've let myself get too invested in people who hurt me. I don't want to go through that.

Is waiting for the "right guy" to come along the best way to Life? What if I don't get the chance to meet him because I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. But what if I waste my time on the "wrong guy" and let the "right" one slide by unnoticed because I'm too wrapped up in the wrong one? I guess we'll never know unless we try.

The thing is: I don't want to risk getting hurt by the "wrong guy". I don't want to try.

My thoughts are going around and around. Never ending. Never coming to an agreement.

I guess when the time is right, I'll finally allow myself to be vulnerable to others. And hopefully, it will be with the "right guy".

This describes everything:

So maybe someday I will meet some who will be my person. I would like that.