Map of Life

Life has a funny way of unfolding itself.

It is like you and "Life" driving together somewhere you have never been. You are looking at the map, planning your next few turns only to find out that Life has taken its own turns. It could be a minor detour that is easy to get back with your plan. It could also be a major detour that leads you in a new direction to a different destination.

It is hard to know at the time if Life takes you on minor or major detours until you are looking back at it. For example, while I was studying my map I originally went to college thinking I would double major in Elementary Education and Spanish. Within my first year I went on a detour that led me down the Early Childhood Path which I am 100% happy with. At the time I would have said that it was a minor detour, but looking back it was a major turning point for me.

Everything after that seems like smooth sailing. I was working on my Elementary and Early Childhood degree and could see the light at the end of the tunnel: a teaching job in an Elementary School. That was my plan and it seemed like everything was working out for me.

Life must have thought I needed a new detour since I hadn't really had one in four years. I had my Elementary interviews, one I bombed and one I rocked. I was pretty confident in getting one of those interviews. Life had a different idea and sent me back on the Early Childhood Path. Right now I can see two roads; one road is fairly clear and leading to preschool whereas the other road is rather bumpy and uncertain but will lead me to elementary.

On top of Life doing its own driving, you also have backseat drivers. These people could be family, friends, or even strangers who think they know what is best. Mine are family and family friends. The preschool path for them looks dinky and useless whereas the elementary road is the only road to go on. They see me subbing, jumping school to school until I land that elementary job. I appreciate their confidence in me, but what if that never happens? Do they think about what I want or just what they see fit for me?

Maybe I'm not cutout to teach elementary in this town. Maybe I don't want the added stress that this district puts on teachers- especially new ones. I am confident I could get a teaching job in another town and state. I don't want to live in another town or even another state.

What I see about the two roads Life has set for me, is they are both over-arched with teaching, kids, and making a positive impact. Those things are what matters to me. I know I'll need to make a choice soon. Do I want to stick with the Early Childhood Path that Life has laid out so easily and is less stressful or do I want to take the harder path back to my original plan of Elementary?

What my backseat drivers don't realize is that if I do choose the Elementary Path, I would take the Early Childhood Path if it didn't work out. Maybe not getting a job was a sign that better things are to come with my Early Childhood Path than Elementary? Maybe that is what I want to believe.

What I want to guide my decision is my happiness. I don't want to choose something because everyone wants me to. For all I know I could be planning one path and Life will detour me to the other or a completely new path. I'm battling between Elementary and Early Childhood and I feel so conflicted.

What I worry about is if I choose the Early Childhood Path, will I be wasting the four years of education and money I put in to Elementary? A bit, I think will be wasted because you can't apply everything about Elementary to Early Childhood since the kids will be a different stages of life. I have so many books and materials that are meant for Elementary that I will never use in an Early Childhood setting.

I found this picture and decided to try it:

I feel like I should want to continue to pursue Elementary but, I don't. I feel like I can have the same outcome (or better) by doing preschool. With preschool, I can see where it will take me and I think that's where I would want to be. Why not flip the tables: if Early Childhood doesn't work out, I can always sub. I think I've been told SO many times to continue with Elementary that I forgot I can ALWAYS come back to it.

The world is always going to need teachers.

You Matter To Me

I haven't posted in a few months, had writers block. But I've recently had some inspiration so, here I am, writing.

We've had this chat multiple times about figuring out what we wanted, who we were, and what we expected from a relationship before anything became a thing. Maybe I didn't understand at the time, maybe the two years of life you had on me were giving you an advantage of planning this out. Maybe you just knew and maybe I'm just a little slow. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to figure it out

Our last falling out hit me hard. To me it came out of nowhere. I thought I was being supportive and understanding but maybe I was smothering you too much. Maybe all you needed was this space and time to figure out your life. And I needed to figure out myself. Looking back, even though I hated it and had quite a few negative feelings towards you, I'm glad it happened.

-- I am more confident with myself. I don't need you to help me, I can do this on my own. But if you're there, I'm going to use you as support.

-- I know how much I am willing to put up with. If you start getting shady then you've made your choice. I'm not going to put up with crappy friends anymore.

-- I also know what I expect from a relationship now, at least, more than I did before. Actually, what I expect from friendships as well.I don't like sounding all high-and-mighty but when it comes to my well-being and happiness, I'm going to sound like that. I don't want to settle on a relationship just because it is convenient. I want to have fun and be serious. Honesty. Comfort. Someone who unknowingly makes me a better person.

-- I know how to be happy on my own. I think before I depended on you too much and now I've realized that you don't dictate my happiness but that your words and actions can influence my happiness but they don't make or break it. I get to do that.

-- I also know more of what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who will let me in their life, tell me about their feelings and thoughts, share their past, let me in during hard times. I want someone who makes me laugh, but can also have serious conversations. I want to feel like our conversations are genuine, I don't want to feel like we have the same conversations with other fiends we are close with. I want us to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play and I want a playful relationship where we just enjoy each others company.

I don't know if it is you. I don't know if I want it to be you either. But somewhere inside me keeps pulling me to you and makes me think that it is you. You are going to be my person. You cause me so many conflicting emotions it is hard to make out what I really feel sometimes. But recently I think I'm starting to figure it out..maybe.

Here are some things I do know:

I really enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your stories and insights. We have a connection that I don't have with anyone else and I want to cherish it. There are conversations that I only have with you. I am excited for your future and all of the great things you'll do. You matter to me. I care about you and your happiness.

But then I start to think, do I tell you? Should I just be blunt and get it all out and if things aren't reciprocal just pick up the pieces and move on? Or do I wait a little longer? What do I even expect to come from telling you?  Maybe I should figure that out before I say anything. Right now, we are still growing on our own, but I feel like we are also growing together...slowly. Or maybe I'm just picturing what I want instead of what is actually happening. I feel very content with things right now. For now I'll leave it as, you matter to me. I'll figure everything out later. 

Bumper Cars

I was looking through old pictures and deleting some screenshots I have taken. I ran across a picture of one of our conversations. You asked me what I had thought might happen between up in 2016. I was thinking about that today.

I want things to go somewhere. I want them to start evolving. I want to know there is a plan for the future and that we aren't just wasting time. Assuming that things happen like we say, I need a few things to change. I'm not that happy right now with things. I'm probably going to sound a little demanding, but I really need some of these things to start to change.

So. I need to feel like I am part of your life. I don't want to create a future with someone where I don't know what is going on in their life. If your busy, that's fine, but nobody is ever busy enough that they can't take 5 seconds out of their day to send a quick text to check in. If I know that I'll get a better conversation from you on the weekend, then I'll wait to share things until them. But I would like a little "Hey, hope everything is going well." message every now and again.

If you're trying to figure things out, let me help. That is what I am here for. I don't want you to have to go through this on your own and you shouldn't have to. I want to be there for you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to know what you are debating about in your head. I want to know these things. I need your full attention sometimes. I feel alone when replies come every 45 minutes. That is a long time to wait for a reply, especially when I really needed someone to talk to.

I need to feel like I am part of your family. I don't really know anything about your family. If it is hard to talk about, I get it. But I hope you trust me enough that you don't mind sharing these hard conversations with me. That's how we grow and learn together. But if we aren't given the opportunity, nothing will change.

I need you to be open and willing to doing different things with me. I really enjoy going up to the mountains for the day. I want you to experience that with me. As I want you to share your life with me, I want to share my life with you. I want you to feel like you are part of my life. I want you by my side through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I want us to work together, as partners, I don't want us to have to do this thing on our own. If things don't start to change, I might have to bow out. I would rather know that I'm not in a position to count on you, that there are no strings attached with us. It hurts. I feel sad and unappreciated when you're "too busy" to say hey. I get being busy. I understand having a lot on your plate, but I just don't see how it is so full that you can't say hi.

I feel like I need to stand up for myself in this part of our relationship right now. If you want to work for this, I am all in. But if I'm not near the top of your list, I'll find someone else who will put me up there. I need to feel like I am respected in this and right now, I don't really feel that way. I will give what I receive and right now, that isn't a lot. This isn't an ultimatum, but I want it to be a push in the direction we've talked about, a push to have a meaningful talk and compromise about what we expect.

I want to work on this, on us. But I need you to want it too.

Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.

To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Singlehood... Future?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my future. Sometimes its as simple as what I'm going to eat for dinner but other times it's like long-term, future family kind of future. It's a weird thing to think of because I don't feel like I'm at that stage yet. But alas, I am.

I have two general options:
1. Stay single
2. Get married

Those are probably fairly obvious but I've thought about each of those options in depth... one more than the other.

I want kids. I always have. The easiest, most socially acceptable way to do this is option two. My spouse and I will have kids together. Pretty simple. Very common.

One Problem:

I don't have any male prospect. At all. Unless you count the attractive males in Once Upon A Time... But, I don't. So right now, option two looks very unattainable. That's fine. I don't really *need* a male person in my life. Although sometimes, it would be fairly nice to have them!

Option one, however, has been in my mind for a while. In one of my classes this semester we watched a documentary called "Sperm Donor X". The entire time I was watching it I was thinking "oh wow. This could easily be me." Since then, I've been tossing around the idea of being a single parent.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one thinking about that. One of my really good friends told me that he doesn't see himself getting married. However, he wants a child. And he would be one hell of a parent. Any child would be lucky to have him as a father. I'm excited to see what his future bring him in this realm of children.

Him and I have been tossing around the idea of single parenthood. It's an odd thing to think about, but a very realistic thing as well.

If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have even considered this an option. To me it was married with a child or single without one. I don't want to not have a child. My biggest goal is to have a child. I'm kind of realizing that I might have to go against society and have one on my own, by myself, and that's an okay thing to do.

I tell my friends "If you are happy with this decision, then it is the right choice. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. What matters is your happiness. That's more important than their happiness about your choices."

I'm guilty of not listening to my own advice. I'm starting to listen, though. And if I want to have a child on by own, I'm going to do it because it will make me happy.


That's not for quite a while though. Like, after college. And who knows, I could meet someone by then and go with the traditional route! Which would be completely fine by me!

This type of thinking is odd for me because it is very realistic, very now. But there are options out there to be a single parent and they aren't bad things!