¿Am I Cinderella?

So I've been trying to write a post for MONTHS. My last post was in September and it is now December. I just haven't liked what I've typed up and end up never publishing it. Right now I am just sort of word-vomiting to get things on the page because my brain has been cluttered for a while and I just need to let it out. So let's get started!

Relationships are so confusing. In all sense of the word from a colleague to a friendship to a love interest. I try to make sure I have a good relations with everyone but some people make is SO HARD. When I am in a bad situation I try to make myself see things from the other person's perspective to make sure I am not the one doing the harm and change my ways from there. But sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, I just cannot find a way that I am harming others more than they are harming me. That makes me sound a little self-centered, but that's how I see things.

Recently, I have actually realized what it is to hate someone. Genuinely dislike to the point where I cannot wait for them to be out of my life because they bring such a negative vibe and energy into my life. The three of us are in a position of power in the band and have to work together. However, they give me no power. The head of the snake...let's call her Anastasia should have more power than Drizella and myself because Anastasia is the instructor where as Drizella and I are just section leaders. But that's not the case. Anastasia and Drizella decided to share the power leaving me with doing all of the tasks they don't want to do. Which, you know, I guess is okay because these tasks generally are pretty important...buuuuut I'm all for equal share in these roles like every other section in the band.

These two people have cause me so much stress this semester. I have tried very hard to not let them get to me, but it is really hard. Especially when you are invested in something and want to see everyone succeed and you feel like you're the black sheep of everything. Observing them teach and give feedback is so sad. I try to give feedback to everyone and Anastasia gives feedback to the ones she enjoys....which is Drizella (but she's always perfect) and Drizella's minion. Which leaves six of us thinking we're okay, even if we aren't. I don't really know when all of this started, and I feel like I am more at odds ends with Anastasia than Drizella but they're both so far up each others ass that I consider them the same. (I thought about deleting that sentence...but I couldn't find any other way to word that.)

This may have really snowballed down when I made a mistake [how dare I??!] and Anastasia got very, VERY upset with me. When I tried to apologize she didn't even try to listen it was just "You should've done this. No excuses." So I was a little frustrated and sent her a fairly long message apologizing and explaining myself. I pretty much told her that I don't feel respected as a leader and it makes it very hard to respect her when it doesn't feel mutual, but I have been very supportive of all changes she has made when people question them. From then she stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me during practice, stopped helping me, stopped making sure I was doing okay when I missed things. This all happened late September/early October.... SOOOO it's been going on for quite a few months.

When I try to put myself in their shoes, I don't think I am in the wrong. People make mistakes, but I owned it and my reasoning was valid. I think Anastasia is more upset that I made her look bad in front of "Lady Tremaine". I don't think I've been disrespectful to Anastasia and Drizella's face. Behind their back...maybe a little bit but they've been disrespectful to my face in front of the rest of the guard. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I hope they are very content with themselves in making others feel like shit about themselves. 

This is a little tangent, however I feel like this whole situation is very similar to Cinderella hence why I changed their names to match the Ugly Step Sisters. My view on Cinderella is that she is someone who goes through her life, even though she has people treating her like trash every day, with a smile and positive attitude that things will get better one day. Cinderella marries the Prince and moves away from all of that negativity. If she can be kind to all of these negative people I can as well. I know, she's just a cartoon, but I love the message she brings.

I think I'll leave this post with this emphasis on these colleague relationships and come back with another post about friends/love interests for another time. So the moral of this story is to be kind to everyone, even if they aren't kind to you. The world cares about the kindness of others, good things happen to those who are kind to others.

So yes, we all can take advice from Cinderella. 😃👸


One last parting words from Cinderella:

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Space Cadet

So as last week was the last week of classes on of my teachers passed on a bit of advice:

"Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about events. Great minds talk about ideas."- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Honestly, I kind of brushed it off because I didn't want to think about anything expect for some final projects. But now that it is all over I've been mulling it over. She told us to analyze our friends often for this and the one's you talk about ideas with are people you have a really close connection with.

That's what I've been doing. Mulling it over. Comparing my friends to this quote. A quote of all things to compare my friends to. It sounds so silly. What I've been discovering though, I talk about people and events often. I rarely talk about ideas. In fact there is only one person I talk to about ideas.

Not that all of my other friends are terrible people because we don't talk about ideas. Maybe its because we don't know each other as well as we need to. Or maybe because we're girls and girls to petty things like that. Or all of the above. Who knows!

Although I have done some friend evaluating before then. When band ended I realized my friends were pretty negative. And it kind of goes along with not talking about ideas. But everything in life was such a negative thing.

"I hate her" "Why" "I don't know, I just do. I mean, look at her" "Yeah, she looks human. Great reason to hate someone..."

"Ugh. This is so stupid."

"I can't believe she did that."

It is much easier to talk bad about people than focus your energy elsewhere.

Guys, come on, why can't we do something positive? Being around negative energy is quite draining. Once I realized that they were negative about everything, I stopped trying to hang out with them. Trying to make myself fit into this group of friends that I don't necessarily want to be part of all the time. And I do enjoy their company on most days, but not when I want to be happy and positive. This group has caused so much drama in my life. You would think I don't want to be around them.

Is being around positive people too much to ask?? Can't we just talk about life and all the mysteries that surround it? Just let people be and be happy! Life is much better that way!

There is one person I talk to about ideas, and it's terrific. We literally talk about everything from life to death and everything inbetween. As morbid as it might be we've contemplated death and what is out in space and what happens after we die. Our existence on Earth is so unimportant compared to everything that is out in the universe. 

That's not to say we don't talk about people or events. But those aren't the main things we talk about. We talk about ideas and life and everything that goes with it. Every up and down life might throw at us. We talk about it all. Marriage, kids, jobs, family, school, daily occurrences, music, happy things, sad things, every little thing that happens. Life.

We aren't serious all of the time. We do joke about a lot and it probably isn't appropriate to talk about on here. But we have a well rounded friendship. I've never had a friendship like this one. Sometimes I forget how great it is to have someone like this in my life. I think everyone needs to have a Space Cadet in their life. There is so much to talk about with them.

The best part of being friends with a Space Cadet is that you will never be able to completely know and understand them. Their feet on on Earth but their minds are lost in the stars. And like the universe, a Space Cadet's mind is constantly changing. It makes life interesting.

I guess what I'm saying is don't limit your friends. Try to find someone who talks ideas. Who might be a little spacey. I promise you, life is a lot more interesting when you have a Space Cadet in your life.

Daily Advice from a Band Director

 

 

 

Alright. I see this quote often, especially on Pinterest. I even hear it like, once a week or so from my band director. Lately, I've been telling this to myself. I went to about a month where everything was just so frustrating to me, especially the little things. This quote made everything a little easier. It sort of put everything into a perspective.

If you google this quote you'll probably get a few names of whomever said this. For me, it will always be my band director. When I read it, I read it in his voice.

Let's just think about this. Life. Your life. The life you are living right now. Is only 10%. TEN PERCENT! What happens to you.

The other 90%? Is your own reaction. Not your friend's or your neighbor's. Just yours. You control 90% of your life.

That's crazy!

I think everyone is guilty of getting caught up in the moment and freaking out over something that, in the long run, doesn't matter. As I go on this adventure into adulthood (yikes!) it's a lot of learning about when I should and shouldn't fuss over things. There are always going to be things that are out of my control. I have a hard time realizing sometimes that I can't control those situations. Nor can I control what others do. Event though sometimes I may want to.

But what can I control? Myself. I have full control over EVERYTHING that I do and say. And that, is powerful.

I have more control over more than I realize. And what do I do? I let the things I can't change and control get to me. Which in turn affects how I react. I let what happens to me control how I act. That's not a fun way to live.

It's going to take some work. But my goal by the end of the semester is to realize and focus my energy into how I react to things. I want to control myself. I don't want the situation or other to control me.

There will be more to come relating to this advice. There will also be a post in the near future about Western Thunder, I'm sure.

But for now, so long.
Go pokes.

And remember, You control more than you realize.