Bumper Cars

I was looking through old pictures and deleting some screenshots I have taken. I ran across a picture of one of our conversations. You asked me what I had thought might happen between up in 2016. I was thinking about that today.

I want things to go somewhere. I want them to start evolving. I want to know there is a plan for the future and that we aren't just wasting time. Assuming that things happen like we say, I need a few things to change. I'm not that happy right now with things. I'm probably going to sound a little demanding, but I really need some of these things to start to change.

So. I need to feel like I am part of your life. I don't want to create a future with someone where I don't know what is going on in their life. If your busy, that's fine, but nobody is ever busy enough that they can't take 5 seconds out of their day to send a quick text to check in. If I know that I'll get a better conversation from you on the weekend, then I'll wait to share things until them. But I would like a little "Hey, hope everything is going well." message every now and again.

If you're trying to figure things out, let me help. That is what I am here for. I don't want you to have to go through this on your own and you shouldn't have to. I want to be there for you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to know what you are debating about in your head. I want to know these things. I need your full attention sometimes. I feel alone when replies come every 45 minutes. That is a long time to wait for a reply, especially when I really needed someone to talk to.

I need to feel like I am part of your family. I don't really know anything about your family. If it is hard to talk about, I get it. But I hope you trust me enough that you don't mind sharing these hard conversations with me. That's how we grow and learn together. But if we aren't given the opportunity, nothing will change.

I need you to be open and willing to doing different things with me. I really enjoy going up to the mountains for the day. I want you to experience that with me. As I want you to share your life with me, I want to share my life with you. I want you to feel like you are part of my life. I want you by my side through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I want us to work together, as partners, I don't want us to have to do this thing on our own. If things don't start to change, I might have to bow out. I would rather know that I'm not in a position to count on you, that there are no strings attached with us. It hurts. I feel sad and unappreciated when you're "too busy" to say hey. I get being busy. I understand having a lot on your plate, but I just don't see how it is so full that you can't say hi.

I feel like I need to stand up for myself in this part of our relationship right now. If you want to work for this, I am all in. But if I'm not near the top of your list, I'll find someone else who will put me up there. I need to feel like I am respected in this and right now, I don't really feel that way. I will give what I receive and right now, that isn't a lot. This isn't an ultimatum, but I want it to be a push in the direction we've talked about, a push to have a meaningful talk and compromise about what we expect.

I want to work on this, on us. But I need you to want it too.

Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.

To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Space Cadet

So as last week was the last week of classes on of my teachers passed on a bit of advice:

"Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about events. Great minds talk about ideas."- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Honestly, I kind of brushed it off because I didn't want to think about anything expect for some final projects. But now that it is all over I've been mulling it over. She told us to analyze our friends often for this and the one's you talk about ideas with are people you have a really close connection with.

That's what I've been doing. Mulling it over. Comparing my friends to this quote. A quote of all things to compare my friends to. It sounds so silly. What I've been discovering though, I talk about people and events often. I rarely talk about ideas. In fact there is only one person I talk to about ideas.

Not that all of my other friends are terrible people because we don't talk about ideas. Maybe its because we don't know each other as well as we need to. Or maybe because we're girls and girls to petty things like that. Or all of the above. Who knows!

Although I have done some friend evaluating before then. When band ended I realized my friends were pretty negative. And it kind of goes along with not talking about ideas. But everything in life was such a negative thing.

"I hate her" "Why" "I don't know, I just do. I mean, look at her" "Yeah, she looks human. Great reason to hate someone..."

"Ugh. This is so stupid."

"I can't believe she did that."

It is much easier to talk bad about people than focus your energy elsewhere.

Guys, come on, why can't we do something positive? Being around negative energy is quite draining. Once I realized that they were negative about everything, I stopped trying to hang out with them. Trying to make myself fit into this group of friends that I don't necessarily want to be part of all the time. And I do enjoy their company on most days, but not when I want to be happy and positive. This group has caused so much drama in my life. You would think I don't want to be around them.

Is being around positive people too much to ask?? Can't we just talk about life and all the mysteries that surround it? Just let people be and be happy! Life is much better that way!

There is one person I talk to about ideas, and it's terrific. We literally talk about everything from life to death and everything inbetween. As morbid as it might be we've contemplated death and what is out in space and what happens after we die. Our existence on Earth is so unimportant compared to everything that is out in the universe. 

That's not to say we don't talk about people or events. But those aren't the main things we talk about. We talk about ideas and life and everything that goes with it. Every up and down life might throw at us. We talk about it all. Marriage, kids, jobs, family, school, daily occurrences, music, happy things, sad things, every little thing that happens. Life.

We aren't serious all of the time. We do joke about a lot and it probably isn't appropriate to talk about on here. But we have a well rounded friendship. I've never had a friendship like this one. Sometimes I forget how great it is to have someone like this in my life. I think everyone needs to have a Space Cadet in their life. There is so much to talk about with them.

The best part of being friends with a Space Cadet is that you will never be able to completely know and understand them. Their feet on on Earth but their minds are lost in the stars. And like the universe, a Space Cadet's mind is constantly changing. It makes life interesting.

I guess what I'm saying is don't limit your friends. Try to find someone who talks ideas. Who might be a little spacey. I promise you, life is a lot more interesting when you have a Space Cadet in your life.