¿Am I Cinderella?

So I've been trying to write a post for MONTHS. My last post was in September and it is now December. I just haven't liked what I've typed up and end up never publishing it. Right now I am just sort of word-vomiting to get things on the page because my brain has been cluttered for a while and I just need to let it out. So let's get started!

Relationships are so confusing. In all sense of the word from a colleague to a friendship to a love interest. I try to make sure I have a good relations with everyone but some people make is SO HARD. When I am in a bad situation I try to make myself see things from the other person's perspective to make sure I am not the one doing the harm and change my ways from there. But sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, I just cannot find a way that I am harming others more than they are harming me. That makes me sound a little self-centered, but that's how I see things.

Recently, I have actually realized what it is to hate someone. Genuinely dislike to the point where I cannot wait for them to be out of my life because they bring such a negative vibe and energy into my life. The three of us are in a position of power in the band and have to work together. However, they give me no power. The head of the snake...let's call her Anastasia should have more power than Drizella and myself because Anastasia is the instructor where as Drizella and I are just section leaders. But that's not the case. Anastasia and Drizella decided to share the power leaving me with doing all of the tasks they don't want to do. Which, you know, I guess is okay because these tasks generally are pretty important...buuuuut I'm all for equal share in these roles like every other section in the band.

These two people have cause me so much stress this semester. I have tried very hard to not let them get to me, but it is really hard. Especially when you are invested in something and want to see everyone succeed and you feel like you're the black sheep of everything. Observing them teach and give feedback is so sad. I try to give feedback to everyone and Anastasia gives feedback to the ones she enjoys....which is Drizella (but she's always perfect) and Drizella's minion. Which leaves six of us thinking we're okay, even if we aren't. I don't really know when all of this started, and I feel like I am more at odds ends with Anastasia than Drizella but they're both so far up each others ass that I consider them the same. (I thought about deleting that sentence...but I couldn't find any other way to word that.)

This may have really snowballed down when I made a mistake [how dare I??!] and Anastasia got very, VERY upset with me. When I tried to apologize she didn't even try to listen it was just "You should've done this. No excuses." So I was a little frustrated and sent her a fairly long message apologizing and explaining myself. I pretty much told her that I don't feel respected as a leader and it makes it very hard to respect her when it doesn't feel mutual, but I have been very supportive of all changes she has made when people question them. From then she stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me during practice, stopped helping me, stopped making sure I was doing okay when I missed things. This all happened late September/early October.... SOOOO it's been going on for quite a few months.

When I try to put myself in their shoes, I don't think I am in the wrong. People make mistakes, but I owned it and my reasoning was valid. I think Anastasia is more upset that I made her look bad in front of "Lady Tremaine". I don't think I've been disrespectful to Anastasia and Drizella's face. Behind their back...maybe a little bit but they've been disrespectful to my face in front of the rest of the guard. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I hope they are very content with themselves in making others feel like shit about themselves. 

This is a little tangent, however I feel like this whole situation is very similar to Cinderella hence why I changed their names to match the Ugly Step Sisters. My view on Cinderella is that she is someone who goes through her life, even though she has people treating her like trash every day, with a smile and positive attitude that things will get better one day. Cinderella marries the Prince and moves away from all of that negativity. If she can be kind to all of these negative people I can as well. I know, she's just a cartoon, but I love the message she brings.

I think I'll leave this post with this emphasis on these colleague relationships and come back with another post about friends/love interests for another time. So the moral of this story is to be kind to everyone, even if they aren't kind to you. The world cares about the kindness of others, good things happen to those who are kind to others.

So yes, we all can take advice from Cinderella. 😃👸


One last parting words from Cinderella:

Bumper Cars

I was looking through old pictures and deleting some screenshots I have taken. I ran across a picture of one of our conversations. You asked me what I had thought might happen between up in 2016. I was thinking about that today.

I want things to go somewhere. I want them to start evolving. I want to know there is a plan for the future and that we aren't just wasting time. Assuming that things happen like we say, I need a few things to change. I'm not that happy right now with things. I'm probably going to sound a little demanding, but I really need some of these things to start to change.

So. I need to feel like I am part of your life. I don't want to create a future with someone where I don't know what is going on in their life. If your busy, that's fine, but nobody is ever busy enough that they can't take 5 seconds out of their day to send a quick text to check in. If I know that I'll get a better conversation from you on the weekend, then I'll wait to share things until them. But I would like a little "Hey, hope everything is going well." message every now and again.

If you're trying to figure things out, let me help. That is what I am here for. I don't want you to have to go through this on your own and you shouldn't have to. I want to be there for you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to know what you are debating about in your head. I want to know these things. I need your full attention sometimes. I feel alone when replies come every 45 minutes. That is a long time to wait for a reply, especially when I really needed someone to talk to.

I need to feel like I am part of your family. I don't really know anything about your family. If it is hard to talk about, I get it. But I hope you trust me enough that you don't mind sharing these hard conversations with me. That's how we grow and learn together. But if we aren't given the opportunity, nothing will change.

I need you to be open and willing to doing different things with me. I really enjoy going up to the mountains for the day. I want you to experience that with me. As I want you to share your life with me, I want to share my life with you. I want you to feel like you are part of my life. I want you by my side through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I want us to work together, as partners, I don't want us to have to do this thing on our own. If things don't start to change, I might have to bow out. I would rather know that I'm not in a position to count on you, that there are no strings attached with us. It hurts. I feel sad and unappreciated when you're "too busy" to say hey. I get being busy. I understand having a lot on your plate, but I just don't see how it is so full that you can't say hi.

I feel like I need to stand up for myself in this part of our relationship right now. If you want to work for this, I am all in. But if I'm not near the top of your list, I'll find someone else who will put me up there. I need to feel like I am respected in this and right now, I don't really feel that way. I will give what I receive and right now, that isn't a lot. This isn't an ultimatum, but I want it to be a push in the direction we've talked about, a push to have a meaningful talk and compromise about what we expect.

I want to work on this, on us. But I need you to want it too.

Insight to My World

You've been asking for years about "what's going on in your brain?". I have tried to figure it out for you, but it is a little difficult. There will be quite a few stories to help explain everything.

So in general:

My brain is on constant alert. 24/7. It is always going. Not just random thoughts like "Oh, I want a dog."  or "I need to clean." or "I like this song." They are more repetitive and worrisome.

"What if this happens?" "Did I forget to do this? Oh I better go check." *Check* *Worry that I checked wrong* *Check again* *Worry that checking it didn't work* *Check again* *Worry that I only checked it three times* *Check again*

I overthink and overanalyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Every single second of my day. Everything I say. Everything people tell me. Their body language. My body language.

When I was about 8 I started this thing where I bite my lips according to my age. I make sure there are an equal amount of bites on the left and right side, as well as the top and bottom of my lips. Weird, I know. I do this every day. Especially when I get nervous, I bite and count. I don't know why I do, what provoked me to start it...but it is what I do. Maybe it calms me down? I don't know. But I do it. At least once I day, usually when I wake up. I've probably wasted a year of my life doing this.

In social situations:

I need control. I need to make sure my environment is safe and secure. That need for control makes first day of classes really, really hard. When I was in elementary school I would get very anxious on the first day.

I remember the first day of fourth grade I had a complete meltdown when my mom took me to my classroom. Even though I knew the large majority of the class, I didn't know the teacher, it was my first year in the school without Nate, and I was on a different side of the school that I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to do or where I was going to sit or where my best friend was or who I was going to sit by at lunch or if I was going to make it through the day. All of those thoughts hit me at once and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like the room was caving in on me and I couldn't leave. They wouldn't let me. I had to sit there and panic while everyone else had a seemliness transition into the first day of school. I still think about it to this day.

Another story. I actually don't remember how old I was but I was either going into 5th or 6th grade. I was in girl scouts back in the day. My friend Jacqui and I convinced our parents to sign us up for this week long camp. It was cheaper if a chaperon came with so Jacqui's mom and my dad signed up as well. We had to go to check-in early becasue our parents were chaperons and they had to be placed at a certain camp. I went in thinking I was going to have this awesome adventure week with my dad and I was very mistaken. Because we live in a society where people have to talk to strangers and make new friends they separated us from our parents, I was lucky that they didn't separate Jacqui and I. The only time I would see my dad was at meals but they wanted us to sit with our camps so we could make friends. I would panic at every meal. Three times a day for a week. He would wave while we were eating. When I knew it was getting close to clean up time where we all went our separate ways I would panic. I didn't want people to know I was having some sort of separation anxiety (I didn't know that is what it was at the time) so I said I would get headaches because of the noise (it did get pretty noisy).
-- A little side note: Oggy came on this trip with me and everyone in my camp made fun of me for it. Girl Scouts were bitches.

ANYWAY! Back to my brain during social encounters.

I feel a constant need to please everyone. Make sure everyone is happy. I hate confrontation because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So in turn I put everyone's needs in front of mine. However, I have become pretty good at knowing when I need to stop and take time for myself. I fear that if someone I admire or someone that I am close to leaves me alone, they won't come back. Dramatic, I know. I also worry about what people think of me (to a point, and I don't know how to explain it). I feel like I bother people so I give them space, but giving them space makes it seem like I'm pushing them away and that I don't want to be friends, which isn't the case. It is a constant battle. It also goes the other way. When people don't respond to a message my brain thinks that they hate me, don't want to talk to me anymore, and would rather not have me in their life. Thanks, brain.

I am always out of my comfort zone. Always. I hate meeting new people. Absolutely hate it. I feel like people are always judging me, thinking all of these negative thoughts about me. I even think that way about acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in a while. I worry about all of the "what ifs" when I'm talking to people. Because my mind is going on it's on train wreck of thoughts I don't speak up much. I'm too consumed with the worrisome thoughts to start conversations or to pipe up in a discussion.
--Side note: When I come back and we get together, I try so, so hard. I still get worried and nervous when talking to you. Here is why: I'm not used to how you communicate in person, I still worry about saying the "wrong" things, and can't control the environment around you. That uncertainty kills me. It gets better, every little bit counts, but it is so hard sometimes.

I have a fear of letting people down. Which, I think is why I am stuck in this place right now. I just feel like I have let people down already and I don't want it to snowball down. No volleyball genetics - let down. No desire to party/do adult things at 21 - let down. I'm not a straight A student - let down. Nobody celebrates an almost straight A student.

The thing is, I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. I just can't stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. I feel sometimes like I'm always disappointing people. I worry so much about making sure I live up to their expectations, especially doing things like this internship, I feel like I've lost my own expectations of myself.

Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.

I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.

I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.

Distance

Distance.

Miles.

Towns.

Roads.

Time.

People.

Space.

Distance.

It can be a very physical thing. I am 295.6 miles from home.
It can also be a very internal, emotional thing. I feel like I am a thousand miles away from you.
It can be both. I am 295.6 miles away from you but I feel like we are a thousand miles apart.

How do we get distance?

The physical distance is pretty self explanatory. You live in separate places. My home is in Sheridan and I live in Laramie.

The internal, emotional distance is not so self explanatory. When focusing on one person it's generally a mutual thing. But it can be one person pulling away from the other. I'm guilty of doing it and I've had it done to me.

I think we forget sometimes that the person we are distancing ourselves from is a person too. They have feelings. They have their own thoughts. Without good communication their thoughts and feelings seem to disappear. We live in a very egocentric society. We worry about how things affect (effect? I'm never sure which to use...) us, but not how it affects (effects) others.

Not that these people will ever read this, but I need to apologize for how I treated you. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to hurt you, even though distancing myself like I did hurt you even more.


I notice the little changes and shifts in conversations with people. How often we talk now versus how often we talked a week or month ago. Even the ways in which we communicate. Facebook? Texting? Calling? Email? Face to face? What we actually talk about. Everything.

Generally, if I want you to be in my life, I make an effort to keep you in it. That's a pretty general thing that I think most people follow.

I get stuck sometimes thinking that everyone thinks like I do. "I'm talking to you because I like having you in my life. I'm going to make an effort every day to do that." That's how I feel people think because that's how I think. But I'm learning that's not the case.

Some people  pride themselves in communication and how well they might be able to navigate a conversation but their communication skills are sometimes less than par. And that's where the distance begins to start.

Communication is key to anything. Humans are social beings. If I notice someone not communicating how they convey their feelings, I question things.

When I question things my mind starts spinning a web that probably isn't the greatest. It's messy and filled with lies that my head made up. But are they all lies? Nobody will really know.

I'm just noticing a huge shift in conversation. It's not pleasant. I feel a distance growing. Maybe I should text you more..but the chances of a reply are slim. If I bring it up I'll just be rehashing things that should be left in the past with you.

I also put things into perspective. What they might be doing, their free time, etc. Maybe they can't respond right now, but they'll respond eventually, right? No. Just no. They don't respond.

But I'll keep texting you, sending you messages, in hopes that you'll actually respond to one.

Distance.
Slowly growing.
Slowly getting smaller.
Slowly making things hard.
Distance.