Map of Life

Life has a funny way of unfolding itself.

It is like you and "Life" driving together somewhere you have never been. You are looking at the map, planning your next few turns only to find out that Life has taken its own turns. It could be a minor detour that is easy to get back with your plan. It could also be a major detour that leads you in a new direction to a different destination.

It is hard to know at the time if Life takes you on minor or major detours until you are looking back at it. For example, while I was studying my map I originally went to college thinking I would double major in Elementary Education and Spanish. Within my first year I went on a detour that led me down the Early Childhood Path which I am 100% happy with. At the time I would have said that it was a minor detour, but looking back it was a major turning point for me.

Everything after that seems like smooth sailing. I was working on my Elementary and Early Childhood degree and could see the light at the end of the tunnel: a teaching job in an Elementary School. That was my plan and it seemed like everything was working out for me.

Life must have thought I needed a new detour since I hadn't really had one in four years. I had my Elementary interviews, one I bombed and one I rocked. I was pretty confident in getting one of those interviews. Life had a different idea and sent me back on the Early Childhood Path. Right now I can see two roads; one road is fairly clear and leading to preschool whereas the other road is rather bumpy and uncertain but will lead me to elementary.

On top of Life doing its own driving, you also have backseat drivers. These people could be family, friends, or even strangers who think they know what is best. Mine are family and family friends. The preschool path for them looks dinky and useless whereas the elementary road is the only road to go on. They see me subbing, jumping school to school until I land that elementary job. I appreciate their confidence in me, but what if that never happens? Do they think about what I want or just what they see fit for me?

Maybe I'm not cutout to teach elementary in this town. Maybe I don't want the added stress that this district puts on teachers- especially new ones. I am confident I could get a teaching job in another town and state. I don't want to live in another town or even another state.

What I see about the two roads Life has set for me, is they are both over-arched with teaching, kids, and making a positive impact. Those things are what matters to me. I know I'll need to make a choice soon. Do I want to stick with the Early Childhood Path that Life has laid out so easily and is less stressful or do I want to take the harder path back to my original plan of Elementary?

What my backseat drivers don't realize is that if I do choose the Elementary Path, I would take the Early Childhood Path if it didn't work out. Maybe not getting a job was a sign that better things are to come with my Early Childhood Path than Elementary? Maybe that is what I want to believe.

What I want to guide my decision is my happiness. I don't want to choose something because everyone wants me to. For all I know I could be planning one path and Life will detour me to the other or a completely new path. I'm battling between Elementary and Early Childhood and I feel so conflicted.

What I worry about is if I choose the Early Childhood Path, will I be wasting the four years of education and money I put in to Elementary? A bit, I think will be wasted because you can't apply everything about Elementary to Early Childhood since the kids will be a different stages of life. I have so many books and materials that are meant for Elementary that I will never use in an Early Childhood setting.

I found this picture and decided to try it:

I feel like I should want to continue to pursue Elementary but, I don't. I feel like I can have the same outcome (or better) by doing preschool. With preschool, I can see where it will take me and I think that's where I would want to be. Why not flip the tables: if Early Childhood doesn't work out, I can always sub. I think I've been told SO many times to continue with Elementary that I forgot I can ALWAYS come back to it.

The world is always going to need teachers.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Change

I don't want this to be some cheesy post like, "Ooo! Fall means everything changes! Blah, blah blah." I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

When I'm on Pinterest I see this quote:

"You're not the same individual you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You're always growing. Experiences don't stop. That's life."

It always makes me think.. Because it is true. I am not the same person I was a year, month, or week ago. Everything that happens in my life changes me. Even if it's a slight change. Everything effects you. We wake up every day as a slightly new person, even if we don't see the change.

I did a little writing reflection thing ending my freshmen year about who I was, my personality, likes, dislikes, and things like that. I revisited it starting my sophomore year to see if my perspective about myself changed. And honestly, it wasn't as drastic as I had thought it would be.

The main thing I noticed was how much happier I was. Not that I was unhappy before, but I hadn't let some things go that I should have. Last summer allowed me to do that. I became a little more carefree and outgoing.

I am still an introvert. Like, 100% an introvert. However, between working with kids or starting band again, I was able to let myself be more outgoing than my introvert-ness would approve of. But I am happy doing it. I am happy to be my dorky, weird self. 

If I go back a year ago what I thought my life would be like is completely different than what it is. I would still be with my ex, I wouldn't have joined (and then quit) a cult/sorority, I would be eating healthy, I would've gotten a job at the YMCA, and many other things. Even though these things weren't always what I wanted, I have learned a lot. And they have shaped me into who I am.

• So my ex, (there might need to be an entire post about him because our past is very interesting and our friendship now is...odd). I'm not going to lie, I thought he was the one for me (as did many others). Hell, everyone thought we were together for the long run. Fall brings change and that's what happened to us. Very long story short; I almost lost my best friend. We both grew in separate ways and we just weren't working anymore. I have never been more afraid of losing someone than I was the majority of my freshmen year. And it showed. I acted like a crazy person. His friendship was, and still is, very important to me.

What I learned? I need to let go of some things to make room better things. Letting go is easier said than done. But it has to happen. I am very thankful for my past with this individual because it led to a better future for us. Even though we aren't together, we're closer now than we were when we were together.

Sometimes, the people we never expect to hurt us are the ones that hurt us the most. Not that they mean to, but we hold them up to such a high standard than anything they do can hurt.

• The cult. Oh boy. This probably needs it's own post too. So I'll keep this one short. My spring semester I decided to join a sorority. It was non-traditional and seemed a lot nicer and not as time consuming as the other sororities on campus. I was VERY wrong. I ended up terminating myself for a multiple of reasons I won't go into right now. Let's just say we didn't agree on how I should spend my time.

What I leaned? Even if you go into something with the best intentions, it might not work out and that's okay. I also learned that it is better to stand up for yourself than to let others walk over you. That's been a lesson in my life for years and it only took me 19 years to actually listen and act upon it.

• Eating healthy. Okay. So, I've had intentions coming to college to eat healthy and stay fit. It hasn't happened yet. I just can't get myself to buy healthy food. Nor can I get myself to drive to the gym to work out. But you know, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

What I leaned? All sweets are good in moderation. :) I eat so many sweets, it's ridiculous. But I'm not unhealthy so I'm going to keep at it!

• I really wanted to work at the YMCA over the summer with their summer camps. After a week or two after school ended and I was home for the summer, I realized it wasn't happening and I needed to look elsewhere. So, I ended up working at a daycare over the summer which was such a great experience for me!

What I learned? You can't be upset when things don't go your way. Life won't always work out how we want it to. By working at the daycare I learned so much by just being around the kids. I became a little attached to a few kids. But by working there for the summer I've secured a job for my future breaks when I'm home, which is lovely. Plus, I'm getting teaching experience.

I guess my point is this:

Life is going to throw curve balls all the time. Things happen to everyone all the time, even when they're expecting things to go a different way. Just because we expect something to happen, does not mean it will happen. There are a lot of things that play into our choices and the choices of others.

Plus, we can't really know someone. We might say we do, but we will never be able to know exactly how someone is feeling, exactly how their feeling. We might be able to come close, but it will never be complete. The only person who truly knows me, is myself. That's a true statement for everyone else as well.

Just smile at life's unexpected occurrences no matter how terrible they seem. Life will always get better.

Singlehood... Future?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my future. Sometimes its as simple as what I'm going to eat for dinner but other times it's like long-term, future family kind of future. It's a weird thing to think of because I don't feel like I'm at that stage yet. But alas, I am.

I have two general options:
1. Stay single
2. Get married

Those are probably fairly obvious but I've thought about each of those options in depth... one more than the other.

I want kids. I always have. The easiest, most socially acceptable way to do this is option two. My spouse and I will have kids together. Pretty simple. Very common.

One Problem:

I don't have any male prospect. At all. Unless you count the attractive males in Once Upon A Time... But, I don't. So right now, option two looks very unattainable. That's fine. I don't really *need* a male person in my life. Although sometimes, it would be fairly nice to have them!

Option one, however, has been in my mind for a while. In one of my classes this semester we watched a documentary called "Sperm Donor X". The entire time I was watching it I was thinking "oh wow. This could easily be me." Since then, I've been tossing around the idea of being a single parent.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one thinking about that. One of my really good friends told me that he doesn't see himself getting married. However, he wants a child. And he would be one hell of a parent. Any child would be lucky to have him as a father. I'm excited to see what his future bring him in this realm of children.

Him and I have been tossing around the idea of single parenthood. It's an odd thing to think about, but a very realistic thing as well.

If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have even considered this an option. To me it was married with a child or single without one. I don't want to not have a child. My biggest goal is to have a child. I'm kind of realizing that I might have to go against society and have one on my own, by myself, and that's an okay thing to do.

I tell my friends "If you are happy with this decision, then it is the right choice. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. What matters is your happiness. That's more important than their happiness about your choices."

I'm guilty of not listening to my own advice. I'm starting to listen, though. And if I want to have a child on by own, I'm going to do it because it will make me happy.


That's not for quite a while though. Like, after college. And who knows, I could meet someone by then and go with the traditional route! Which would be completely fine by me!

This type of thinking is odd for me because it is very realistic, very now. But there are options out there to be a single parent and they aren't bad things!

Chasing People

Okay, so I've never been one to always be in a relationship. Like, ever. But I can give some hella good advice if you need me to. At least, that's what people tell me! But there are some times when I'm like, "ooo, a boyfriend that sounds fun. I'll pick you!" And I chase this boy around just trying to make him like me.

 

But I was going about it all wrong. It is quite literally the worst way to get into a relationship. Do you know why? You aren't being your true self.

 

I found this while browsing Pinterest the other day and it hit the right cords at the time.

So, the end of last semester this guy started flirting with me. But at the time I was getting over a bad break-up and wasn't wanting to have him be a rebound even though, indirectly, he was. So summer came and we both went back home and barley talked. I replayed moments with him where we couldn't taken things to the next level but didn't. Sometimes I looked at those moments in regret, other times, I was glad nothing went further (not that it was far to begin with).

Band camp comes around and we start talking more but every time we do he always brings up this girl he had a thing with over the summer or a super hot girl in band, etc. Pretty much I felt like the last thing on his mind. And it didn't quite bother me. However, it seemed like everyone around me was in a relationship and I felt like I needed to have one to.

So naturally I picked him. And I chased him around, not quite acting like myself. A few weeks went by and things between us heated up. And I didn't know what to do. He kissed me and I wasn't sure where I wanted things to go between us.

I did a dumb thing and started to avoid him for a few days. Which wasn't bad because we were busy with band and it was easier to stay with our sections than to mix sections. But still. I was being a jerk to him.

After debating it, I didn't want a relationship. I mean, this might sound a bit harsh, but I didn't want a relationship with *him*. A relationship in general, hell yes...but not with this guy. I didn't, and still don't think, we know each other well enough. I've been told I have high standards but that's how I was raised and I'm in the mood of lowering my standards to please people.

I digress, because I had to debate whether or not I wanted something with him I felt like it was necessary to tell him no, I didn't want a relationship. That I want to focus on myself. Which is kind of silly, I've been focusing on myself for years. But the past few months is when I started being happy and comfortable with myself.

One of my apartment mates told me that I function extremely well being single. Most people, her included, can't function without having some sort of interest. And me, well, I can do my own thing and not care. When I find the right guy, I'll know. Maybe that's why I shut people down so often. Something inside me knows they aren't the right guy so I turn them away. Who knows.

I guess my point is don't chase people. Don't change yourself just to impress somebody. Whether it's a friend, coworker, or someone you want to date; just be yourself! As Dr. Seuss said:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You”.