Insight to My World

You've been asking for years about "what's going on in your brain?". I have tried to figure it out for you, but it is a little difficult. There will be quite a few stories to help explain everything.

So in general:

My brain is on constant alert. 24/7. It is always going. Not just random thoughts like "Oh, I want a dog."  or "I need to clean." or "I like this song." They are more repetitive and worrisome.

"What if this happens?" "Did I forget to do this? Oh I better go check." *Check* *Worry that I checked wrong* *Check again* *Worry that checking it didn't work* *Check again* *Worry that I only checked it three times* *Check again*

I overthink and overanalyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Every single second of my day. Everything I say. Everything people tell me. Their body language. My body language.

When I was about 8 I started this thing where I bite my lips according to my age. I make sure there are an equal amount of bites on the left and right side, as well as the top and bottom of my lips. Weird, I know. I do this every day. Especially when I get nervous, I bite and count. I don't know why I do, what provoked me to start it...but it is what I do. Maybe it calms me down? I don't know. But I do it. At least once I day, usually when I wake up. I've probably wasted a year of my life doing this.

In social situations:

I need control. I need to make sure my environment is safe and secure. That need for control makes first day of classes really, really hard. When I was in elementary school I would get very anxious on the first day.

I remember the first day of fourth grade I had a complete meltdown when my mom took me to my classroom. Even though I knew the large majority of the class, I didn't know the teacher, it was my first year in the school without Nate, and I was on a different side of the school that I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to do or where I was going to sit or where my best friend was or who I was going to sit by at lunch or if I was going to make it through the day. All of those thoughts hit me at once and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like the room was caving in on me and I couldn't leave. They wouldn't let me. I had to sit there and panic while everyone else had a seemliness transition into the first day of school. I still think about it to this day.

Another story. I actually don't remember how old I was but I was either going into 5th or 6th grade. I was in girl scouts back in the day. My friend Jacqui and I convinced our parents to sign us up for this week long camp. It was cheaper if a chaperon came with so Jacqui's mom and my dad signed up as well. We had to go to check-in early becasue our parents were chaperons and they had to be placed at a certain camp. I went in thinking I was going to have this awesome adventure week with my dad and I was very mistaken. Because we live in a society where people have to talk to strangers and make new friends they separated us from our parents, I was lucky that they didn't separate Jacqui and I. The only time I would see my dad was at meals but they wanted us to sit with our camps so we could make friends. I would panic at every meal. Three times a day for a week. He would wave while we were eating. When I knew it was getting close to clean up time where we all went our separate ways I would panic. I didn't want people to know I was having some sort of separation anxiety (I didn't know that is what it was at the time) so I said I would get headaches because of the noise (it did get pretty noisy).
-- A little side note: Oggy came on this trip with me and everyone in my camp made fun of me for it. Girl Scouts were bitches.

ANYWAY! Back to my brain during social encounters.

I feel a constant need to please everyone. Make sure everyone is happy. I hate confrontation because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So in turn I put everyone's needs in front of mine. However, I have become pretty good at knowing when I need to stop and take time for myself. I fear that if someone I admire or someone that I am close to leaves me alone, they won't come back. Dramatic, I know. I also worry about what people think of me (to a point, and I don't know how to explain it). I feel like I bother people so I give them space, but giving them space makes it seem like I'm pushing them away and that I don't want to be friends, which isn't the case. It is a constant battle. It also goes the other way. When people don't respond to a message my brain thinks that they hate me, don't want to talk to me anymore, and would rather not have me in their life. Thanks, brain.

I am always out of my comfort zone. Always. I hate meeting new people. Absolutely hate it. I feel like people are always judging me, thinking all of these negative thoughts about me. I even think that way about acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in a while. I worry about all of the "what ifs" when I'm talking to people. Because my mind is going on it's on train wreck of thoughts I don't speak up much. I'm too consumed with the worrisome thoughts to start conversations or to pipe up in a discussion.
--Side note: When I come back and we get together, I try so, so hard. I still get worried and nervous when talking to you. Here is why: I'm not used to how you communicate in person, I still worry about saying the "wrong" things, and can't control the environment around you. That uncertainty kills me. It gets better, every little bit counts, but it is so hard sometimes.

I have a fear of letting people down. Which, I think is why I am stuck in this place right now. I just feel like I have let people down already and I don't want it to snowball down. No volleyball genetics - let down. No desire to party/do adult things at 21 - let down. I'm not a straight A student - let down. Nobody celebrates an almost straight A student.

The thing is, I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. I just can't stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. I feel sometimes like I'm always disappointing people. I worry so much about making sure I live up to their expectations, especially doing things like this internship, I feel like I've lost my own expectations of myself.

Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.

I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.

I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.

Emerald Isle

What a wonderful, exciting place to bring in 2016. Ireland. I can't even write the words to explain how beautiful this country is. I am so very grateful to have had the opportunity to travel there with Western Thunder.

If we are being honest, I didn't go there to perform. I went there for Ireland. Performance were just part of the package.

I saw some breathtakingly beautiful places from castles to cliffs. I never expected I would have this experience. Kilkenny will be deeply missed. Such a quaint small town, home of the Kilkenny Castle.

I'll let my pictures tell my story.

Ireland.

You will be deeply missed.

But I will come back soon.

Maybe,

Maybe for forever.

<3

Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

.:. You .:.

People always ask me why I picked you. Why I didn't try to go for someone else. I would tell them, "You just don't know him like I do." or, "He's my best friend." Very generic. Nothing deep. They wouldn't care to listen if I gave them the whole answer.

So, why did I choose you? Because I did. It's simple, yet elaborate.

With you life seems simple, yet elegant at the same time. In a room full of people, even when I know you won't be there, your face is the first face I look for. I'm hoping maybe one day you'll pop into one of my classes but I doubt that will happen. I love seeing your name pop up on my phone. I am drawn to you in a way I've never been drawn to anyone else. You make me calm. Being in your presence excites me and allows me to be myself. Since knowing you I've laughed extremely hard, and you've allowed me to be me without the judgments.

I never would've thought I'd end up liking you when I first met you. I mean, I was dating your best friend. I was more concerned about you liking me for him rather than you liking me as me. But as they say, life happens and feelings change. As hard as it was on both of us, I had to let him go to have you. You had to lose him for quite a while to have me. It brought us closer, just like everything since then. And after some hard work and patience we got his friendship back.

I've watched you grow and change into the person you are today. You pushed me to do better and be better. You helped me grow and change and showed me the power of being resilient. That bouncing back is the best thing you can do in life. You showed me that I am enough and don't have to change. That's not to say that you have bounced back from everything or you haven't felt down on yourself. But you got through it all and that's what matters.

I see who you are in multiple different lights. I've seen your faults and your strengths. I've seen you inspire people. You inspire people to be energetic, talkative, optimistic, caring, and open. That's what you are. You are full of positive energy. You are a phenomenal conversationalists. You care, maybe a little too much sometimes and maybe not enough. You're open to others, their stories, thoughts, or concerns. You put other people at ease, you put me at ease. You are a stellar friend. I see you being a great teacher, husband, and father. You are so much more than what you're not -- you are already full of so much greatness. Sometimes I wish you could see what I see. I'm in awe of you and what your presence does to others.

We are two puzzle pieces. I didn't realize from the beginning but I see it now: We fit together. We tried many times to get it right. One of us turning to try to fit with the other, eventually we got it right. If the rest of my life was eating pasta, next to you, watching the sunset well, that would be one hell of a life to live. You still make me anxious, but in the best way. You get me. You get the Disney, the traveling, the kids, the food. You understand me. You make me anxious and calm me down at the same time. I'm not worried about things with you because I know with you, everything will be fine.

It's you. Always.

I fee close to you. I trust you. I see a future with you. I see us building a legacy together. You're special to me. Together we're something spectacular. They say life is always about timing. We've gotten the timing wrong so many times before. But we've both grown. You became more you and I became more me. We've both grown into the adults we're supposed to be. I'm not as shy, timid, or uncertain with you. I know what I want. I want you. I want us.

We talk about "friends always first" and that's great. I'm glad we're making this pact to always be in each others lives. Eventually we'll have to put a label on us. If anything "Best Friends" will always be our label. But sometimes I'm hoping for something a little more.

If you read this, which I doubt you will, it's up to you. I know why we're playing the waiting game. Sometimes you just need to jump and take a risk. Remember we've both grown and matured so things are on the right track.

The ball is in your court. If you want me, I'm all yours.

Distance

Distance.

Miles.

Towns.

Roads.

Time.

People.

Space.

Distance.

It can be a very physical thing. I am 295.6 miles from home.
It can also be a very internal, emotional thing. I feel like I am a thousand miles away from you.
It can be both. I am 295.6 miles away from you but I feel like we are a thousand miles apart.

How do we get distance?

The physical distance is pretty self explanatory. You live in separate places. My home is in Sheridan and I live in Laramie.

The internal, emotional distance is not so self explanatory. When focusing on one person it's generally a mutual thing. But it can be one person pulling away from the other. I'm guilty of doing it and I've had it done to me.

I think we forget sometimes that the person we are distancing ourselves from is a person too. They have feelings. They have their own thoughts. Without good communication their thoughts and feelings seem to disappear. We live in a very egocentric society. We worry about how things affect (effect? I'm never sure which to use...) us, but not how it affects (effects) others.

Not that these people will ever read this, but I need to apologize for how I treated you. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to hurt you, even though distancing myself like I did hurt you even more.


I notice the little changes and shifts in conversations with people. How often we talk now versus how often we talked a week or month ago. Even the ways in which we communicate. Facebook? Texting? Calling? Email? Face to face? What we actually talk about. Everything.

Generally, if I want you to be in my life, I make an effort to keep you in it. That's a pretty general thing that I think most people follow.

I get stuck sometimes thinking that everyone thinks like I do. "I'm talking to you because I like having you in my life. I'm going to make an effort every day to do that." That's how I feel people think because that's how I think. But I'm learning that's not the case.

Some people  pride themselves in communication and how well they might be able to navigate a conversation but their communication skills are sometimes less than par. And that's where the distance begins to start.

Communication is key to anything. Humans are social beings. If I notice someone not communicating how they convey their feelings, I question things.

When I question things my mind starts spinning a web that probably isn't the greatest. It's messy and filled with lies that my head made up. But are they all lies? Nobody will really know.

I'm just noticing a huge shift in conversation. It's not pleasant. I feel a distance growing. Maybe I should text you more..but the chances of a reply are slim. If I bring it up I'll just be rehashing things that should be left in the past with you.

I also put things into perspective. What they might be doing, their free time, etc. Maybe they can't respond right now, but they'll respond eventually, right? No. Just no. They don't respond.

But I'll keep texting you, sending you messages, in hopes that you'll actually respond to one.

Distance.
Slowly growing.
Slowly getting smaller.
Slowly making things hard.
Distance.

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.