It is so crazy how quickly life changes. How quickly feelings change. Everything happens in a blink of an eye. And change is never easy. Big changes are so unexpected they are hard to adjust to sometimes.
I feel like the little changes are harder than the big ones. As unexpected as the big ones are, it is very clear and easy to know that you need to make adjustments. The little things in life, they don't scream change and usually go by unnoticed. When I look back on life, I notice the little things. I notice (in hind-sight) how the little things snowballed down. Eventually the little things became the big things.
I don't know if you'll ever read this. Frankly, I don't really care if you do or not. This blog is really just for me. Few people know about it and that's okay. You were both a big and little change. Unexpected and unnoticed. But definitely life changing.
I guess I knew all along that things wouldn't work. I think that is one of the hardest parts for me to come to terms with. Deep down I knew, I knew and I still let myself fall. And everyone told me to not to but I wouldn't listen. My gut told me not to, that I would be better off. But something about it felt right. And having that little glimmer was enough for me.
Things were good. Things were really good for quite a while. I mean, there were still some bumps in the road, but nothing we couldn't overcome. That hope grew and grew. It grew larger than the doubt and I began ignoring my gut. I was content. I was ready for the next step. But we had to wait until we were in the same town.
I guess that should've been a flag. If we were going to have a future it shouldn't matter if we aren't in the same town. We should want the future to start as soon as possible. I did. Your priorities were different though. I was not at the top of your list...or even the top 5. And ever so slowly I kept falling on your list.
I gave you excuses for that. "Oh, he's just busy with stuff." "We usually only talk at night, that's okay." "We are more talkative during the weekends." "He has other things to be doing than seeing me." "He'll respond later." Now, I'm not saying you needed to put me at the top of your list and treat me like a queen. No. That's not it. But I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel like I mattered to you.
Sadly, this isn't the first time that has happened. Where seemingly out of the blue you stop talking to me. Where we used to talk everyday to where we went weeks without talking. That was hard to adjust to. It happened slowly enough that I didn't know it was happening until you weren't responding to anything.
When I finally talked to you about it you turned it around on me. It was my fault, how dare I expect so much from you at a time like this, I'm just adding to your stress. It is so crazy how you are never in the wrong. Because obviously you could do no wrong. I can't believe I expected some communication from you. I mean, we were pretty much dating. But whatever.
Oddly enough. We went through about the same timeline the first time we were almost a thing...or an unofficial thing. About a solid year and a half. And it was all on me. It was all my fault, my personality, my actions, according to you. It was really hard for me to be okay with being friends with you after that. It was a lot of work for me.
This time is hard too. Maybe harder than the last (but easier at the same time). Part of me was still guarded from before, part of me knew it wouldn't work. I guess I could tell that things were changing when you got your job...and then quit.
I guess. The point of all this. A month ago I would've done anything. And now, I see how much effort you put in, and I just cant keep putting myself out there to get no response form you. Even just as friends, I can't just have a conversation with you. Things change so fast.
I want you in my life. But right now, I don't think it is possible. I want to be there for you because I know that life isn't that great right now. But I don't think I can. You haven't been there for me. You've hurt me...a lot. It is going to take a while to get over it. Someone asked me if I ever loved you. I don't know. Maybe I did once...or maybe I never have. Maybe I just loved the idea of you. But I guess we'll never find out now.
Sometimes, I think about the future. And one day I randomly run into you, we haven't talked in years and everything is great between us. The timing is finally perfect. I don't think the timing for anything will ever be prefect. If it is important to you, you go for it, and the change is easy and accepted with open arms. It is when the change isn't expected or wanted where we have problems.
The change that comes into our life, whether we want it or now, will talk us on the path we need to get on. Sometimes, we have to make the same mistakes more than once because the first time didn't put us on the right path or fully teach us the lesson.
So for now, I'm going to try to do this with minimal ties with you. I think that's best for me. I want this next year of schooling to focus on me. And if things happen to come around, great. If not, that's okay too.
