We've had this chat multiple times about figuring out what we wanted, who we were, and what we expected from a relationship before anything became a thing. Maybe I didn't understand at the time, maybe the two years of life you had on me were giving you an advantage of planning this out. Maybe you just knew and maybe I'm just a little slow. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to figure it out
Our last falling out hit me hard. To me it came out of nowhere. I thought I was being supportive and understanding but maybe I was smothering you too much. Maybe all you needed was this space and time to figure out your life. And I needed to figure out myself. Looking back, even though I hated it and had quite a few negative feelings towards you, I'm glad it happened.
-- I am more confident with myself. I don't need you to help me, I can do this on my own. But if you're there, I'm going to use you as support.
-- I know how much I am willing to put up with. If you start getting shady then you've made your choice. I'm not going to put up with crappy friends anymore.
-- I also know what I expect from a relationship now, at least, more than I did before. Actually, what I expect from friendships as well.I don't like sounding all high-and-mighty but when it comes to my well-being and happiness, I'm going to sound like that. I don't want to settle on a relationship just because it is convenient. I want to have fun and be serious. Honesty. Comfort. Someone who unknowingly makes me a better person.
-- I know how to be happy on my own. I think before I depended on you too much and now I've realized that you don't dictate my happiness but that your words and actions can influence my happiness but they don't make or break it. I get to do that.
-- I also know more of what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who will let me in their life, tell me about their feelings and thoughts, share their past, let me in during hard times. I want someone who makes me laugh, but can also have serious conversations. I want to feel like our conversations are genuine, I don't want to feel like we have the same conversations with other fiends we are close with. I want us to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play and I want a playful relationship where we just enjoy each others company.
I don't know if it is you. I don't know if I want it to be you either. But somewhere inside me keeps pulling me to you and makes me think that it is you. You are going to be my person. You cause me so many conflicting emotions it is hard to make out what I really feel sometimes. But recently I think I'm starting to figure it out..maybe.
Here are some things I do know:
I really enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your stories and insights. We have a connection that I don't have with anyone else and I want to cherish it. There are conversations that I only have with you. I am excited for your future and all of the great things you'll do. You matter to me. I care about you and your happiness.But then I start to think, do I tell you? Should I just be blunt and get it all out and if things aren't reciprocal just pick up the pieces and move on? Or do I wait a little longer? What do I even expect to come from telling you? Maybe I should figure that out before I say anything. Right now, we are still growing on our own, but I feel like we are also growing together...slowly. Or maybe I'm just picturing what I want instead of what is actually happening. I feel very content with things right now. For now I'll leave it as, you matter to me. I'll figure everything out later.
