Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.