Marriage.

It's been quite a while since I've posted! And this post is about the fourth one I have written in that break. I'm hoping to complete this one. Like all of my other posts this one is focusing on relationships. And oddly enough marriage.

I don't think I am anywhere near marriage but other people in my life are. That's exciting! I have a friend who will be getting engaged any day now! I am very excited for her and the future she is going to have!

I was talking to one of my roommates about my friend. We both said that we weren't ready or in a place to get married right now. Then she asks, "Is there anyone who you would marry if they asked you right now." Yes. Absolutely. 

One person, if they needed me for whatever reason for it, I would. I care about him and his well-being. The other person, I would genuinely enjoy spending a life with. There is nothing this person doesn't know about me. I would drop anything to help this person.

I know, you might say that is unhealthy; dropping life for someone else. But it isn't like that. This person is always there for me and I always want to be there for him. It is respect and caring all tied into one package.

Both of these people have one thing in common: feeling comfortable. I think is says something when you've know someone for a short amount of time and yet it feels like you have known them forever. There is a special connection there. That type of connection builds relationships. I will always cherish that connection. I genuinely enjoy their company as well. I feel comfortable enough to be myself and say things I wouldn't normally say.

You want to be comfortable with whoever you marry, right? Maybe that is just something that I value. I want someone who I can rely on when I need them. Someone who I can laugh with. Someone who I can cry with. Someone who I can act like an idiot with. I want someone who I can enjoy life with, without worrying about their intentions.

Like I said, I am nowhere near a place where I could be getting married. But if certain people asked me, hell yeah I would. Who knows if they think about it. Maybe it is just a girl thing. Probably. 

So yes. If you read this (I don't think you will): if you ask me to marry you I would say yes. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would love to make a life with you. The doors are open. As Anna and Hans sang "Love is an open door..."

.:. You .:.

People always ask me why I picked you. Why I didn't try to go for someone else. I would tell them, "You just don't know him like I do." or, "He's my best friend." Very generic. Nothing deep. They wouldn't care to listen if I gave them the whole answer.

So, why did I choose you? Because I did. It's simple, yet elaborate.

With you life seems simple, yet elegant at the same time. In a room full of people, even when I know you won't be there, your face is the first face I look for. I'm hoping maybe one day you'll pop into one of my classes but I doubt that will happen. I love seeing your name pop up on my phone. I am drawn to you in a way I've never been drawn to anyone else. You make me calm. Being in your presence excites me and allows me to be myself. Since knowing you I've laughed extremely hard, and you've allowed me to be me without the judgments.

I never would've thought I'd end up liking you when I first met you. I mean, I was dating your best friend. I was more concerned about you liking me for him rather than you liking me as me. But as they say, life happens and feelings change. As hard as it was on both of us, I had to let him go to have you. You had to lose him for quite a while to have me. It brought us closer, just like everything since then. And after some hard work and patience we got his friendship back.

I've watched you grow and change into the person you are today. You pushed me to do better and be better. You helped me grow and change and showed me the power of being resilient. That bouncing back is the best thing you can do in life. You showed me that I am enough and don't have to change. That's not to say that you have bounced back from everything or you haven't felt down on yourself. But you got through it all and that's what matters.

I see who you are in multiple different lights. I've seen your faults and your strengths. I've seen you inspire people. You inspire people to be energetic, talkative, optimistic, caring, and open. That's what you are. You are full of positive energy. You are a phenomenal conversationalists. You care, maybe a little too much sometimes and maybe not enough. You're open to others, their stories, thoughts, or concerns. You put other people at ease, you put me at ease. You are a stellar friend. I see you being a great teacher, husband, and father. You are so much more than what you're not -- you are already full of so much greatness. Sometimes I wish you could see what I see. I'm in awe of you and what your presence does to others.

We are two puzzle pieces. I didn't realize from the beginning but I see it now: We fit together. We tried many times to get it right. One of us turning to try to fit with the other, eventually we got it right. If the rest of my life was eating pasta, next to you, watching the sunset well, that would be one hell of a life to live. You still make me anxious, but in the best way. You get me. You get the Disney, the traveling, the kids, the food. You understand me. You make me anxious and calm me down at the same time. I'm not worried about things with you because I know with you, everything will be fine.

It's you. Always.

I fee close to you. I trust you. I see a future with you. I see us building a legacy together. You're special to me. Together we're something spectacular. They say life is always about timing. We've gotten the timing wrong so many times before. But we've both grown. You became more you and I became more me. We've both grown into the adults we're supposed to be. I'm not as shy, timid, or uncertain with you. I know what I want. I want you. I want us.

We talk about "friends always first" and that's great. I'm glad we're making this pact to always be in each others lives. Eventually we'll have to put a label on us. If anything "Best Friends" will always be our label. But sometimes I'm hoping for something a little more.

If you read this, which I doubt you will, it's up to you. I know why we're playing the waiting game. Sometimes you just need to jump and take a risk. Remember we've both grown and matured so things are on the right track.

The ball is in your court. If you want me, I'm all yours.

Distance

Distance.

Miles.

Towns.

Roads.

Time.

People.

Space.

Distance.

It can be a very physical thing. I am 295.6 miles from home.
It can also be a very internal, emotional thing. I feel like I am a thousand miles away from you.
It can be both. I am 295.6 miles away from you but I feel like we are a thousand miles apart.

How do we get distance?

The physical distance is pretty self explanatory. You live in separate places. My home is in Sheridan and I live in Laramie.

The internal, emotional distance is not so self explanatory. When focusing on one person it's generally a mutual thing. But it can be one person pulling away from the other. I'm guilty of doing it and I've had it done to me.

I think we forget sometimes that the person we are distancing ourselves from is a person too. They have feelings. They have their own thoughts. Without good communication their thoughts and feelings seem to disappear. We live in a very egocentric society. We worry about how things affect (effect? I'm never sure which to use...) us, but not how it affects (effects) others.

Not that these people will ever read this, but I need to apologize for how I treated you. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to hurt you, even though distancing myself like I did hurt you even more.


I notice the little changes and shifts in conversations with people. How often we talk now versus how often we talked a week or month ago. Even the ways in which we communicate. Facebook? Texting? Calling? Email? Face to face? What we actually talk about. Everything.

Generally, if I want you to be in my life, I make an effort to keep you in it. That's a pretty general thing that I think most people follow.

I get stuck sometimes thinking that everyone thinks like I do. "I'm talking to you because I like having you in my life. I'm going to make an effort every day to do that." That's how I feel people think because that's how I think. But I'm learning that's not the case.

Some people  pride themselves in communication and how well they might be able to navigate a conversation but their communication skills are sometimes less than par. And that's where the distance begins to start.

Communication is key to anything. Humans are social beings. If I notice someone not communicating how they convey their feelings, I question things.

When I question things my mind starts spinning a web that probably isn't the greatest. It's messy and filled with lies that my head made up. But are they all lies? Nobody will really know.

I'm just noticing a huge shift in conversation. It's not pleasant. I feel a distance growing. Maybe I should text you more..but the chances of a reply are slim. If I bring it up I'll just be rehashing things that should be left in the past with you.

I also put things into perspective. What they might be doing, their free time, etc. Maybe they can't respond right now, but they'll respond eventually, right? No. Just no. They don't respond.

But I'll keep texting you, sending you messages, in hopes that you'll actually respond to one.

Distance.
Slowly growing.
Slowly getting smaller.
Slowly making things hard.
Distance.

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.

Life Happens. Let It Go.

Someone told me recently:

 "Sometimes I wish I never met him."

I thought, Wow. That's rude. I'm sure he doesn't feel that way about her. How could you even think that about a person? Don't be so selfish enough to think that life is going to be perfect and fit to your standards. It won't. Life has standards of its own and they don't fit into yours or anyone else's cookie cutter standards.

Life happens. Let it go. Sure, he broke your heart. But did you ever think about what he was going through? He could be having a rough time and you just don't want to wish him out of your life. Like, who gives you that power?

I believe that people come into your life for a reason. You go through things for a reason. All of the "bad" and even the "good" things in life teach you a lesson. If you wish it all away, you are wishing part of yourself away, part of your past. Why would you do that?

Does your life suck that much that you just want to wish it away?

You aren't perfect.

I am sure as hell not perfect.

And in the great words of Hannah Montana: Nobody is perfect.

So grow up. Realize that life won't work out exactly the way you planned it. People will do things that you don't agree with and that's okay. They aren't living your life. They are living their life. They are doing what they need to do to make themselves happy and you need to do the same.

Be happy. Do stupid things. Don't feel like you need to explain yourself to anyone because you don't. Say what you feel like you need to say. Your friends like you for you and not because of your past or future.

If you spend your life being negative all the time, that's all it will ever be; a big mess of negativity. That's not fun for anyone and the majority of people won't want to be around negative people. It just happens. If you look at the bright side of things, things will generally be better. If you go into a situation being negative that's how it's going to be; negative.

If you keep holding on to these bitter feelings, you are going to live a bitter life. As John Green said:

"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

So just forgive him. Forgive yourself. Forgive the situation because you can't do anything about it. Don't make him suffer because you aren't happy with the situation.