¿Am I Cinderella?

So I've been trying to write a post for MONTHS. My last post was in September and it is now December. I just haven't liked what I've typed up and end up never publishing it. Right now I am just sort of word-vomiting to get things on the page because my brain has been cluttered for a while and I just need to let it out. So let's get started!

Relationships are so confusing. In all sense of the word from a colleague to a friendship to a love interest. I try to make sure I have a good relations with everyone but some people make is SO HARD. When I am in a bad situation I try to make myself see things from the other person's perspective to make sure I am not the one doing the harm and change my ways from there. But sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, I just cannot find a way that I am harming others more than they are harming me. That makes me sound a little self-centered, but that's how I see things.

Recently, I have actually realized what it is to hate someone. Genuinely dislike to the point where I cannot wait for them to be out of my life because they bring such a negative vibe and energy into my life. The three of us are in a position of power in the band and have to work together. However, they give me no power. The head of the snake...let's call her Anastasia should have more power than Drizella and myself because Anastasia is the instructor where as Drizella and I are just section leaders. But that's not the case. Anastasia and Drizella decided to share the power leaving me with doing all of the tasks they don't want to do. Which, you know, I guess is okay because these tasks generally are pretty important...buuuuut I'm all for equal share in these roles like every other section in the band.

These two people have cause me so much stress this semester. I have tried very hard to not let them get to me, but it is really hard. Especially when you are invested in something and want to see everyone succeed and you feel like you're the black sheep of everything. Observing them teach and give feedback is so sad. I try to give feedback to everyone and Anastasia gives feedback to the ones she enjoys....which is Drizella (but she's always perfect) and Drizella's minion. Which leaves six of us thinking we're okay, even if we aren't. I don't really know when all of this started, and I feel like I am more at odds ends with Anastasia than Drizella but they're both so far up each others ass that I consider them the same. (I thought about deleting that sentence...but I couldn't find any other way to word that.)

This may have really snowballed down when I made a mistake [how dare I??!] and Anastasia got very, VERY upset with me. When I tried to apologize she didn't even try to listen it was just "You should've done this. No excuses." So I was a little frustrated and sent her a fairly long message apologizing and explaining myself. I pretty much told her that I don't feel respected as a leader and it makes it very hard to respect her when it doesn't feel mutual, but I have been very supportive of all changes she has made when people question them. From then she stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me during practice, stopped helping me, stopped making sure I was doing okay when I missed things. This all happened late September/early October.... SOOOO it's been going on for quite a few months.

When I try to put myself in their shoes, I don't think I am in the wrong. People make mistakes, but I owned it and my reasoning was valid. I think Anastasia is more upset that I made her look bad in front of "Lady Tremaine". I don't think I've been disrespectful to Anastasia and Drizella's face. Behind their back...maybe a little bit but they've been disrespectful to my face in front of the rest of the guard. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I hope they are very content with themselves in making others feel like shit about themselves. 

This is a little tangent, however I feel like this whole situation is very similar to Cinderella hence why I changed their names to match the Ugly Step Sisters. My view on Cinderella is that she is someone who goes through her life, even though she has people treating her like trash every day, with a smile and positive attitude that things will get better one day. Cinderella marries the Prince and moves away from all of that negativity. If she can be kind to all of these negative people I can as well. I know, she's just a cartoon, but I love the message she brings.

I think I'll leave this post with this emphasis on these colleague relationships and come back with another post about friends/love interests for another time. So the moral of this story is to be kind to everyone, even if they aren't kind to you. The world cares about the kindness of others, good things happen to those who are kind to others.

So yes, we all can take advice from Cinderella. 😃👸


One last parting words from Cinderella:

You Matter To Me

I haven't posted in a few months, had writers block. But I've recently had some inspiration so, here I am, writing.

We've had this chat multiple times about figuring out what we wanted, who we were, and what we expected from a relationship before anything became a thing. Maybe I didn't understand at the time, maybe the two years of life you had on me were giving you an advantage of planning this out. Maybe you just knew and maybe I'm just a little slow. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to figure it out

Our last falling out hit me hard. To me it came out of nowhere. I thought I was being supportive and understanding but maybe I was smothering you too much. Maybe all you needed was this space and time to figure out your life. And I needed to figure out myself. Looking back, even though I hated it and had quite a few negative feelings towards you, I'm glad it happened.

-- I am more confident with myself. I don't need you to help me, I can do this on my own. But if you're there, I'm going to use you as support.

-- I know how much I am willing to put up with. If you start getting shady then you've made your choice. I'm not going to put up with crappy friends anymore.

-- I also know what I expect from a relationship now, at least, more than I did before. Actually, what I expect from friendships as well.I don't like sounding all high-and-mighty but when it comes to my well-being and happiness, I'm going to sound like that. I don't want to settle on a relationship just because it is convenient. I want to have fun and be serious. Honesty. Comfort. Someone who unknowingly makes me a better person.

-- I know how to be happy on my own. I think before I depended on you too much and now I've realized that you don't dictate my happiness but that your words and actions can influence my happiness but they don't make or break it. I get to do that.

-- I also know more of what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who will let me in their life, tell me about their feelings and thoughts, share their past, let me in during hard times. I want someone who makes me laugh, but can also have serious conversations. I want to feel like our conversations are genuine, I don't want to feel like we have the same conversations with other fiends we are close with. I want us to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play and I want a playful relationship where we just enjoy each others company.

I don't know if it is you. I don't know if I want it to be you either. But somewhere inside me keeps pulling me to you and makes me think that it is you. You are going to be my person. You cause me so many conflicting emotions it is hard to make out what I really feel sometimes. But recently I think I'm starting to figure it out..maybe.

Here are some things I do know:

I really enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your stories and insights. We have a connection that I don't have with anyone else and I want to cherish it. There are conversations that I only have with you. I am excited for your future and all of the great things you'll do. You matter to me. I care about you and your happiness.

But then I start to think, do I tell you? Should I just be blunt and get it all out and if things aren't reciprocal just pick up the pieces and move on? Or do I wait a little longer? What do I even expect to come from telling you?  Maybe I should figure that out before I say anything. Right now, we are still growing on our own, but I feel like we are also growing together...slowly. Or maybe I'm just picturing what I want instead of what is actually happening. I feel very content with things right now. For now I'll leave it as, you matter to me. I'll figure everything out later. 

Bumper Cars

I was looking through old pictures and deleting some screenshots I have taken. I ran across a picture of one of our conversations. You asked me what I had thought might happen between up in 2016. I was thinking about that today.

I want things to go somewhere. I want them to start evolving. I want to know there is a plan for the future and that we aren't just wasting time. Assuming that things happen like we say, I need a few things to change. I'm not that happy right now with things. I'm probably going to sound a little demanding, but I really need some of these things to start to change.

So. I need to feel like I am part of your life. I don't want to create a future with someone where I don't know what is going on in their life. If your busy, that's fine, but nobody is ever busy enough that they can't take 5 seconds out of their day to send a quick text to check in. If I know that I'll get a better conversation from you on the weekend, then I'll wait to share things until them. But I would like a little "Hey, hope everything is going well." message every now and again.

If you're trying to figure things out, let me help. That is what I am here for. I don't want you to have to go through this on your own and you shouldn't have to. I want to be there for you. I want to know what is going on in your life. I want to know what you are debating about in your head. I want to know these things. I need your full attention sometimes. I feel alone when replies come every 45 minutes. That is a long time to wait for a reply, especially when I really needed someone to talk to.

I need to feel like I am part of your family. I don't really know anything about your family. If it is hard to talk about, I get it. But I hope you trust me enough that you don't mind sharing these hard conversations with me. That's how we grow and learn together. But if we aren't given the opportunity, nothing will change.

I need you to be open and willing to doing different things with me. I really enjoy going up to the mountains for the day. I want you to experience that with me. As I want you to share your life with me, I want to share my life with you. I want you to feel like you are part of my life. I want you by my side through the good and the bad. Especially the bad. I can only hope you feel the same way.

I want us to work together, as partners, I don't want us to have to do this thing on our own. If things don't start to change, I might have to bow out. I would rather know that I'm not in a position to count on you, that there are no strings attached with us. It hurts. I feel sad and unappreciated when you're "too busy" to say hey. I get being busy. I understand having a lot on your plate, but I just don't see how it is so full that you can't say hi.

I feel like I need to stand up for myself in this part of our relationship right now. If you want to work for this, I am all in. But if I'm not near the top of your list, I'll find someone else who will put me up there. I need to feel like I am respected in this and right now, I don't really feel that way. I will give what I receive and right now, that isn't a lot. This isn't an ultimatum, but I want it to be a push in the direction we've talked about, a push to have a meaningful talk and compromise about what we expect.

I want to work on this, on us. But I need you to want it too.

Distance

Distance.

Miles.

Towns.

Roads.

Time.

People.

Space.

Distance.

It can be a very physical thing. I am 295.6 miles from home.
It can also be a very internal, emotional thing. I feel like I am a thousand miles away from you.
It can be both. I am 295.6 miles away from you but I feel like we are a thousand miles apart.

How do we get distance?

The physical distance is pretty self explanatory. You live in separate places. My home is in Sheridan and I live in Laramie.

The internal, emotional distance is not so self explanatory. When focusing on one person it's generally a mutual thing. But it can be one person pulling away from the other. I'm guilty of doing it and I've had it done to me.

I think we forget sometimes that the person we are distancing ourselves from is a person too. They have feelings. They have their own thoughts. Without good communication their thoughts and feelings seem to disappear. We live in a very egocentric society. We worry about how things affect (effect? I'm never sure which to use...) us, but not how it affects (effects) others.

Not that these people will ever read this, but I need to apologize for how I treated you. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to hurt you, even though distancing myself like I did hurt you even more.


I notice the little changes and shifts in conversations with people. How often we talk now versus how often we talked a week or month ago. Even the ways in which we communicate. Facebook? Texting? Calling? Email? Face to face? What we actually talk about. Everything.

Generally, if I want you to be in my life, I make an effort to keep you in it. That's a pretty general thing that I think most people follow.

I get stuck sometimes thinking that everyone thinks like I do. "I'm talking to you because I like having you in my life. I'm going to make an effort every day to do that." That's how I feel people think because that's how I think. But I'm learning that's not the case.

Some people  pride themselves in communication and how well they might be able to navigate a conversation but their communication skills are sometimes less than par. And that's where the distance begins to start.

Communication is key to anything. Humans are social beings. If I notice someone not communicating how they convey their feelings, I question things.

When I question things my mind starts spinning a web that probably isn't the greatest. It's messy and filled with lies that my head made up. But are they all lies? Nobody will really know.

I'm just noticing a huge shift in conversation. It's not pleasant. I feel a distance growing. Maybe I should text you more..but the chances of a reply are slim. If I bring it up I'll just be rehashing things that should be left in the past with you.

I also put things into perspective. What they might be doing, their free time, etc. Maybe they can't respond right now, but they'll respond eventually, right? No. Just no. They don't respond.

But I'll keep texting you, sending you messages, in hopes that you'll actually respond to one.

Distance.
Slowly growing.
Slowly getting smaller.
Slowly making things hard.
Distance.

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

Dreams of You

I don't normally look into dreams. Maybe because I don't usually remember them. But I have had a few dreams with the same overlying meaning: you. me. us.

They are definitely not a bad thing, just a surprising thing to dream about and have the dreams kind of progress from the last, even though they're days or weeks apart.

So, I'll start with the first one I remember well and then the last one I had recently.

Dream 1:

I don't remember how it all started. I guess I just jumped in, mid-scene. It's a short scene too. Picture the scene from The Little Mermaid when Ariel and Eric are in the boat and Sebastian sings Kiss the Girl. 

There weren't singing animals around us and we both could talk. We were in a boat in the middle of a lake or on a bench over looking the lake (dreams are weird and bounce you around). We weren't talking, we were just enjoying each others company.

It was, I'm guessing, a Summer afternoon. Everything felt warm and happy, like Summer is. It was so beautiful too. There were mountains in the background, everything was in vivid colors, everything was right in the world.

You looked at me. 

I looked at you. 

You said, "I think I might love you."

I said, "I think I might love you, too."

Those were the only words spoken. We went back to the silence of our company, watching nature happen.

Dream 2:

This one will probably be longer and have more detail (minus the weird dream things that happen) because it was only a few days ago.

I was back at college, you were teaching. It was colder than the last dream maybe late fall or early spring weather. Things weren't as colorful as the last dream, there were dead plants all around. But it was definitely happy.

We were walking back though the apartments from eating out and you stopped (turned into one of my roommates) and pulled out a ring.

I said yes, of course. And we went back to walking to my apartment (you're still one of my roommates).

My parents call me right away freaking out because I haven't told them the news yet even though it had just happened. Maybe in dream world the time is faster, I dunno. They freaked out because you didn't actually know that I said yes since you turned into my roommate. I told them I would tell you right away. 

My other roommates came home and gawked at the ring. Eventually I was able to start to tell you. I took a picture of the ring which sparkled in the sunlight, it was beautiful. I woke up before I was able to tell you yes, which was kind of sad.

I was even more sad when I woke up and realized that it was all a dream.

The ring looked like this, I spent a long time on ring sites and pinterest looking for one that looked just right:

So

I'm assuming these dreams mean that I'm ready for this, for us. I ready for something more solid. Maybe I'll tell you about the dreams soon. Maybe I won't. I think dream 2 would be easier to talk about than dream 1 because we've never said something like that to each other.

Life Happens. Let It Go.

Someone told me recently:

 "Sometimes I wish I never met him."

I thought, Wow. That's rude. I'm sure he doesn't feel that way about her. How could you even think that about a person? Don't be so selfish enough to think that life is going to be perfect and fit to your standards. It won't. Life has standards of its own and they don't fit into yours or anyone else's cookie cutter standards.

Life happens. Let it go. Sure, he broke your heart. But did you ever think about what he was going through? He could be having a rough time and you just don't want to wish him out of your life. Like, who gives you that power?

I believe that people come into your life for a reason. You go through things for a reason. All of the "bad" and even the "good" things in life teach you a lesson. If you wish it all away, you are wishing part of yourself away, part of your past. Why would you do that?

Does your life suck that much that you just want to wish it away?

You aren't perfect.

I am sure as hell not perfect.

And in the great words of Hannah Montana: Nobody is perfect.

So grow up. Realize that life won't work out exactly the way you planned it. People will do things that you don't agree with and that's okay. They aren't living your life. They are living their life. They are doing what they need to do to make themselves happy and you need to do the same.

Be happy. Do stupid things. Don't feel like you need to explain yourself to anyone because you don't. Say what you feel like you need to say. Your friends like you for you and not because of your past or future.

If you spend your life being negative all the time, that's all it will ever be; a big mess of negativity. That's not fun for anyone and the majority of people won't want to be around negative people. It just happens. If you look at the bright side of things, things will generally be better. If you go into a situation being negative that's how it's going to be; negative.

If you keep holding on to these bitter feelings, you are going to live a bitter life. As John Green said:

"The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."

So just forgive him. Forgive yourself. Forgive the situation because you can't do anything about it. Don't make him suffer because you aren't happy with the situation.

To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Chasing People

Okay, so I've never been one to always be in a relationship. Like, ever. But I can give some hella good advice if you need me to. At least, that's what people tell me! But there are some times when I'm like, "ooo, a boyfriend that sounds fun. I'll pick you!" And I chase this boy around just trying to make him like me.

 

But I was going about it all wrong. It is quite literally the worst way to get into a relationship. Do you know why? You aren't being your true self.

 

I found this while browsing Pinterest the other day and it hit the right cords at the time.

So, the end of last semester this guy started flirting with me. But at the time I was getting over a bad break-up and wasn't wanting to have him be a rebound even though, indirectly, he was. So summer came and we both went back home and barley talked. I replayed moments with him where we couldn't taken things to the next level but didn't. Sometimes I looked at those moments in regret, other times, I was glad nothing went further (not that it was far to begin with).

Band camp comes around and we start talking more but every time we do he always brings up this girl he had a thing with over the summer or a super hot girl in band, etc. Pretty much I felt like the last thing on his mind. And it didn't quite bother me. However, it seemed like everyone around me was in a relationship and I felt like I needed to have one to.

So naturally I picked him. And I chased him around, not quite acting like myself. A few weeks went by and things between us heated up. And I didn't know what to do. He kissed me and I wasn't sure where I wanted things to go between us.

I did a dumb thing and started to avoid him for a few days. Which wasn't bad because we were busy with band and it was easier to stay with our sections than to mix sections. But still. I was being a jerk to him.

After debating it, I didn't want a relationship. I mean, this might sound a bit harsh, but I didn't want a relationship with *him*. A relationship in general, hell yes...but not with this guy. I didn't, and still don't think, we know each other well enough. I've been told I have high standards but that's how I was raised and I'm in the mood of lowering my standards to please people.

I digress, because I had to debate whether or not I wanted something with him I felt like it was necessary to tell him no, I didn't want a relationship. That I want to focus on myself. Which is kind of silly, I've been focusing on myself for years. But the past few months is when I started being happy and comfortable with myself.

One of my apartment mates told me that I function extremely well being single. Most people, her included, can't function without having some sort of interest. And me, well, I can do my own thing and not care. When I find the right guy, I'll know. Maybe that's why I shut people down so often. Something inside me knows they aren't the right guy so I turn them away. Who knows.

I guess my point is don't chase people. Don't change yourself just to impress somebody. Whether it's a friend, coworker, or someone you want to date; just be yourself! As Dr. Seuss said:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You”.