❆ Snow ❆

Something magical happens when it snows

Well... as long as there isn't wind. Which in good ol' Laradise isn't all that common. But tonight...er... I guess a few nights ago (this has been in the works for a while), the snow was falling and the wind had gone away. It all looked very quiet. And with nobody out everything was peaceful. Still is pretty peaceful, actually.

Even though it was below freezing outside I went for a walk. Just myself, 10:30 at night, in the snow. The only thing driving me was my thoughts. Which is a beautiful disaster within itself. Giving my mind the ability to wander into what ever corner of my brain it wants to generally leads to trouble.

But sometimes it's needed. That's how I find out about myself. All of the fears and worries I push away usually come out. I don't like people seeing me sad or frustrated. I don't like feeling needy on my friends. I'd much rather be needed.

So on my walk, all silent, and by myself. I lost it. I had a meltdown. Sat down on a curb and cried for a while.

Why? I don't really know. Life has just been rather stressful lately, I guess. Kind of stressful. Only not really. I'm only stressed over one class and I shouldn't be stressed about it. We'll get this lesson done and present it and everything will go great. However, my groupmates don't really like to meet when we've planned it.

So that's great.

I'm homesick. That's for sure. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I was fine until this past week and people started talking about going home. And although I have my apartment to myself for about two days, it sucks. It was my choice to go to New Mexico with the band. But, my band family isn't the same as my family.

I love my band family but I get an entire trip with them. I don't see my family that often. I miss them. A lot. I know I'll see them soon, but sitting alone in my apartment makes me miss them more.

It also makes me lonely. That kind of falls back on the fact I don't like feeling needy. I feel like I'm bothering people with my issues so I don't tell them. By doing that I isolate myself. As an introvert, I don't mind being alone. But I hate feeling like I can't turn to anyone when I  need to. I hate feeling lonely and isolated when I really just need someone to talk to.

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "but why not say something, I'm sure your friends are more than willing to help you!" You are probably right. I know I have friends who would drop things to help me. But I don't want them to.

I am so used to being strong for everyone else. I don't want people to think that I'm weak. I would much rather be the optimistic friend for everyone rather than a Negative Nancy.

Plus, these kinds of issues I don't like throwing on friends. If I could throw them off someone it would be a boyfriend, but that's not happening right now. It's just me talking to myself in the middle of the night while it snows.

Like I said, snow is magical. Not that it fixed my problems or even came close to helping in any way, shape, or form, it gave me a lovely scene to think in. Everything looks cozy when it has a fresh, untouched blanket of snow.

It gave me time to release everything that I had been keeping in all semester. Instead of talking it out with someone, I cried it all out. Thankfully it wasn't cold enough for my tears to freeze to my face or else that would be terrible.

Sometimes, taking a walk in freezing weather while it snows is all you need. And sometimes we get so caught up in our own little worlds we forget how almost insignificant our lives are and how insignificant events in our lives are even though they may seem big.

I'll get though this semester an go home and everything will be great, I know that. But how I'm feeling right now, all of these mixture of feelings, isn't great. I can't wait to be done with feeling these feelings.

Vulnerability

Being single....but wanting a relationship...but not wanting to put in the work...or risk getting hurt...or dealing with the "what if"... etc.

That's how my brain is working right now. I hate it.

I'm single. Don't necessarily want to be. However, I don't want to put myself out there. I would much rather hermit in my apartment watching hours and hours of Netflix while my possible soulmate is off doing something more exciting.

Sometimes I think: yeah, I'll go out and be social, meet new people, being more outgoing than I've even been... But I also don't want to risk getting. Doing that, putting myself out there, it's not worth it to me. I've been hurt in ways I didn't think possible by people I didn't think would ever hurt me. I don't want to feel like that.

Even if I meet a guy in class and we start talking and I start to develop a crush I go though this thing where I think of all the possible outcomes. What if we do this, what if they find out about blah, blah, blah; what if they don't like x, y, z. I wonder if they're thinking about me, what do they think about me, etc.

Going though that is absolutely terrible. It's not fun for me to be worried constantly if I am my crush's crush. Even if we start dating I worry about things like this.

Although most of my relationships don't go that far because I find reasons to run. I hate hanging myself on a line for someone, waiting on their every move. So, when I feel myself getting too close I make reasons to go away.

I don't want to risk myself getting hurt so I stop. I make an excuse as to why the relationship isn't working just in case I fall to hard and it really doesn't work. I save myself hurt. Feeling vulnerable sucks. But it has to happen in relationships.

Being vulnerable takes immense strength. It takes putting yourself out there, and doing what is in your heart and your soul.

It means admitting you love someone before he has told you he loves you. It means showing when you are sad. It means learning to be okay with your anxieties and fears and learning to turn them into strengths that lead you to emotional freedom.

You can't control the other person. All their actions could affect you positively and negatively. And that's scary for me. You have no idea what's going to happen and I hate not knowing things like that. I'm a planner so having all of these uncertainties kills me.

Sometimes I think, yes. Throw yourself out there. Test the waters. And I think about it. I want to do it. But I can never bring myself to go in there head first. So instead, I just think about meeting my soulmate...what he looks like, what his personality is, what his interests are. Hmm. They're happy thoughts! They make me think that he's real. Almost like a fairy tale. I would love for prince charming to take me away on a white horse and we live happily ever after. But alas. Life has a different plan for me right now. 

Maybe I'm supposed to close myself off, to not feel emotions, to not feel vulnerable. I've been hurt. I've let myself get too invested in people who hurt me. I don't want to go through that.

Is waiting for the "right guy" to come along the best way to Life? What if I don't get the chance to meet him because I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. But what if I waste my time on the "wrong guy" and let the "right" one slide by unnoticed because I'm too wrapped up in the wrong one? I guess we'll never know unless we try.

The thing is: I don't want to risk getting hurt by the "wrong guy". I don't want to try.

My thoughts are going around and around. Never ending. Never coming to an agreement.

I guess when the time is right, I'll finally allow myself to be vulnerable to others. And hopefully, it will be with the "right guy".

This describes everything:

So maybe someday I will meet some who will be my person. I would like that.

Change

I don't want this to be some cheesy post like, "Ooo! Fall means everything changes! Blah, blah blah." I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

When I'm on Pinterest I see this quote:

"You're not the same individual you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You're always growing. Experiences don't stop. That's life."

It always makes me think.. Because it is true. I am not the same person I was a year, month, or week ago. Everything that happens in my life changes me. Even if it's a slight change. Everything effects you. We wake up every day as a slightly new person, even if we don't see the change.

I did a little writing reflection thing ending my freshmen year about who I was, my personality, likes, dislikes, and things like that. I revisited it starting my sophomore year to see if my perspective about myself changed. And honestly, it wasn't as drastic as I had thought it would be.

The main thing I noticed was how much happier I was. Not that I was unhappy before, but I hadn't let some things go that I should have. Last summer allowed me to do that. I became a little more carefree and outgoing.

I am still an introvert. Like, 100% an introvert. However, between working with kids or starting band again, I was able to let myself be more outgoing than my introvert-ness would approve of. But I am happy doing it. I am happy to be my dorky, weird self. 

If I go back a year ago what I thought my life would be like is completely different than what it is. I would still be with my ex, I wouldn't have joined (and then quit) a cult/sorority, I would be eating healthy, I would've gotten a job at the YMCA, and many other things. Even though these things weren't always what I wanted, I have learned a lot. And they have shaped me into who I am.

• So my ex, (there might need to be an entire post about him because our past is very interesting and our friendship now is...odd). I'm not going to lie, I thought he was the one for me (as did many others). Hell, everyone thought we were together for the long run. Fall brings change and that's what happened to us. Very long story short; I almost lost my best friend. We both grew in separate ways and we just weren't working anymore. I have never been more afraid of losing someone than I was the majority of my freshmen year. And it showed. I acted like a crazy person. His friendship was, and still is, very important to me.

What I learned? I need to let go of some things to make room better things. Letting go is easier said than done. But it has to happen. I am very thankful for my past with this individual because it led to a better future for us. Even though we aren't together, we're closer now than we were when we were together.

Sometimes, the people we never expect to hurt us are the ones that hurt us the most. Not that they mean to, but we hold them up to such a high standard than anything they do can hurt.

• The cult. Oh boy. This probably needs it's own post too. So I'll keep this one short. My spring semester I decided to join a sorority. It was non-traditional and seemed a lot nicer and not as time consuming as the other sororities on campus. I was VERY wrong. I ended up terminating myself for a multiple of reasons I won't go into right now. Let's just say we didn't agree on how I should spend my time.

What I leaned? Even if you go into something with the best intentions, it might not work out and that's okay. I also learned that it is better to stand up for yourself than to let others walk over you. That's been a lesson in my life for years and it only took me 19 years to actually listen and act upon it.

• Eating healthy. Okay. So, I've had intentions coming to college to eat healthy and stay fit. It hasn't happened yet. I just can't get myself to buy healthy food. Nor can I get myself to drive to the gym to work out. But you know, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

What I leaned? All sweets are good in moderation. :) I eat so many sweets, it's ridiculous. But I'm not unhealthy so I'm going to keep at it!

• I really wanted to work at the YMCA over the summer with their summer camps. After a week or two after school ended and I was home for the summer, I realized it wasn't happening and I needed to look elsewhere. So, I ended up working at a daycare over the summer which was such a great experience for me!

What I learned? You can't be upset when things don't go your way. Life won't always work out how we want it to. By working at the daycare I learned so much by just being around the kids. I became a little attached to a few kids. But by working there for the summer I've secured a job for my future breaks when I'm home, which is lovely. Plus, I'm getting teaching experience.

I guess my point is this:

Life is going to throw curve balls all the time. Things happen to everyone all the time, even when they're expecting things to go a different way. Just because we expect something to happen, does not mean it will happen. There are a lot of things that play into our choices and the choices of others.

Plus, we can't really know someone. We might say we do, but we will never be able to know exactly how someone is feeling, exactly how their feeling. We might be able to come close, but it will never be complete. The only person who truly knows me, is myself. That's a true statement for everyone else as well.

Just smile at life's unexpected occurrences no matter how terrible they seem. Life will always get better.