❆ Snow ❆

Something magical happens when it snows

Well... as long as there isn't wind. Which in good ol' Laradise isn't all that common. But tonight...er... I guess a few nights ago (this has been in the works for a while), the snow was falling and the wind had gone away. It all looked very quiet. And with nobody out everything was peaceful. Still is pretty peaceful, actually.

Even though it was below freezing outside I went for a walk. Just myself, 10:30 at night, in the snow. The only thing driving me was my thoughts. Which is a beautiful disaster within itself. Giving my mind the ability to wander into what ever corner of my brain it wants to generally leads to trouble.

But sometimes it's needed. That's how I find out about myself. All of the fears and worries I push away usually come out. I don't like people seeing me sad or frustrated. I don't like feeling needy on my friends. I'd much rather be needed.

So on my walk, all silent, and by myself. I lost it. I had a meltdown. Sat down on a curb and cried for a while.

Why? I don't really know. Life has just been rather stressful lately, I guess. Kind of stressful. Only not really. I'm only stressed over one class and I shouldn't be stressed about it. We'll get this lesson done and present it and everything will go great. However, my groupmates don't really like to meet when we've planned it.

So that's great.

I'm homesick. That's for sure. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I was fine until this past week and people started talking about going home. And although I have my apartment to myself for about two days, it sucks. It was my choice to go to New Mexico with the band. But, my band family isn't the same as my family.

I love my band family but I get an entire trip with them. I don't see my family that often. I miss them. A lot. I know I'll see them soon, but sitting alone in my apartment makes me miss them more.

It also makes me lonely. That kind of falls back on the fact I don't like feeling needy. I feel like I'm bothering people with my issues so I don't tell them. By doing that I isolate myself. As an introvert, I don't mind being alone. But I hate feeling like I can't turn to anyone when I  need to. I hate feeling lonely and isolated when I really just need someone to talk to.

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "but why not say something, I'm sure your friends are more than willing to help you!" You are probably right. I know I have friends who would drop things to help me. But I don't want them to.

I am so used to being strong for everyone else. I don't want people to think that I'm weak. I would much rather be the optimistic friend for everyone rather than a Negative Nancy.

Plus, these kinds of issues I don't like throwing on friends. If I could throw them off someone it would be a boyfriend, but that's not happening right now. It's just me talking to myself in the middle of the night while it snows.

Like I said, snow is magical. Not that it fixed my problems or even came close to helping in any way, shape, or form, it gave me a lovely scene to think in. Everything looks cozy when it has a fresh, untouched blanket of snow.

It gave me time to release everything that I had been keeping in all semester. Instead of talking it out with someone, I cried it all out. Thankfully it wasn't cold enough for my tears to freeze to my face or else that would be terrible.

Sometimes, taking a walk in freezing weather while it snows is all you need. And sometimes we get so caught up in our own little worlds we forget how almost insignificant our lives are and how insignificant events in our lives are even though they may seem big.

I'll get though this semester an go home and everything will be great, I know that. But how I'm feeling right now, all of these mixture of feelings, isn't great. I can't wait to be done with feeling these feelings.