To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Space Cadet

So as last week was the last week of classes on of my teachers passed on a bit of advice:

"Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about events. Great minds talk about ideas."- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Honestly, I kind of brushed it off because I didn't want to think about anything expect for some final projects. But now that it is all over I've been mulling it over. She told us to analyze our friends often for this and the one's you talk about ideas with are people you have a really close connection with.

That's what I've been doing. Mulling it over. Comparing my friends to this quote. A quote of all things to compare my friends to. It sounds so silly. What I've been discovering though, I talk about people and events often. I rarely talk about ideas. In fact there is only one person I talk to about ideas.

Not that all of my other friends are terrible people because we don't talk about ideas. Maybe its because we don't know each other as well as we need to. Or maybe because we're girls and girls to petty things like that. Or all of the above. Who knows!

Although I have done some friend evaluating before then. When band ended I realized my friends were pretty negative. And it kind of goes along with not talking about ideas. But everything in life was such a negative thing.

"I hate her" "Why" "I don't know, I just do. I mean, look at her" "Yeah, she looks human. Great reason to hate someone..."

"Ugh. This is so stupid."

"I can't believe she did that."

It is much easier to talk bad about people than focus your energy elsewhere.

Guys, come on, why can't we do something positive? Being around negative energy is quite draining. Once I realized that they were negative about everything, I stopped trying to hang out with them. Trying to make myself fit into this group of friends that I don't necessarily want to be part of all the time. And I do enjoy their company on most days, but not when I want to be happy and positive. This group has caused so much drama in my life. You would think I don't want to be around them.

Is being around positive people too much to ask?? Can't we just talk about life and all the mysteries that surround it? Just let people be and be happy! Life is much better that way!

There is one person I talk to about ideas, and it's terrific. We literally talk about everything from life to death and everything inbetween. As morbid as it might be we've contemplated death and what is out in space and what happens after we die. Our existence on Earth is so unimportant compared to everything that is out in the universe. 

That's not to say we don't talk about people or events. But those aren't the main things we talk about. We talk about ideas and life and everything that goes with it. Every up and down life might throw at us. We talk about it all. Marriage, kids, jobs, family, school, daily occurrences, music, happy things, sad things, every little thing that happens. Life.

We aren't serious all of the time. We do joke about a lot and it probably isn't appropriate to talk about on here. But we have a well rounded friendship. I've never had a friendship like this one. Sometimes I forget how great it is to have someone like this in my life. I think everyone needs to have a Space Cadet in their life. There is so much to talk about with them.

The best part of being friends with a Space Cadet is that you will never be able to completely know and understand them. Their feet on on Earth but their minds are lost in the stars. And like the universe, a Space Cadet's mind is constantly changing. It makes life interesting.

I guess what I'm saying is don't limit your friends. Try to find someone who talks ideas. Who might be a little spacey. I promise you, life is a lot more interesting when you have a Space Cadet in your life.

❆ Snow ❆

Something magical happens when it snows

Well... as long as there isn't wind. Which in good ol' Laradise isn't all that common. But tonight...er... I guess a few nights ago (this has been in the works for a while), the snow was falling and the wind had gone away. It all looked very quiet. And with nobody out everything was peaceful. Still is pretty peaceful, actually.

Even though it was below freezing outside I went for a walk. Just myself, 10:30 at night, in the snow. The only thing driving me was my thoughts. Which is a beautiful disaster within itself. Giving my mind the ability to wander into what ever corner of my brain it wants to generally leads to trouble.

But sometimes it's needed. That's how I find out about myself. All of the fears and worries I push away usually come out. I don't like people seeing me sad or frustrated. I don't like feeling needy on my friends. I'd much rather be needed.

So on my walk, all silent, and by myself. I lost it. I had a meltdown. Sat down on a curb and cried for a while.

Why? I don't really know. Life has just been rather stressful lately, I guess. Kind of stressful. Only not really. I'm only stressed over one class and I shouldn't be stressed about it. We'll get this lesson done and present it and everything will go great. However, my groupmates don't really like to meet when we've planned it.

So that's great.

I'm homesick. That's for sure. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I was fine until this past week and people started talking about going home. And although I have my apartment to myself for about two days, it sucks. It was my choice to go to New Mexico with the band. But, my band family isn't the same as my family.

I love my band family but I get an entire trip with them. I don't see my family that often. I miss them. A lot. I know I'll see them soon, but sitting alone in my apartment makes me miss them more.

It also makes me lonely. That kind of falls back on the fact I don't like feeling needy. I feel like I'm bothering people with my issues so I don't tell them. By doing that I isolate myself. As an introvert, I don't mind being alone. But I hate feeling like I can't turn to anyone when I  need to. I hate feeling lonely and isolated when I really just need someone to talk to.

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "but why not say something, I'm sure your friends are more than willing to help you!" You are probably right. I know I have friends who would drop things to help me. But I don't want them to.

I am so used to being strong for everyone else. I don't want people to think that I'm weak. I would much rather be the optimistic friend for everyone rather than a Negative Nancy.

Plus, these kinds of issues I don't like throwing on friends. If I could throw them off someone it would be a boyfriend, but that's not happening right now. It's just me talking to myself in the middle of the night while it snows.

Like I said, snow is magical. Not that it fixed my problems or even came close to helping in any way, shape, or form, it gave me a lovely scene to think in. Everything looks cozy when it has a fresh, untouched blanket of snow.

It gave me time to release everything that I had been keeping in all semester. Instead of talking it out with someone, I cried it all out. Thankfully it wasn't cold enough for my tears to freeze to my face or else that would be terrible.

Sometimes, taking a walk in freezing weather while it snows is all you need. And sometimes we get so caught up in our own little worlds we forget how almost insignificant our lives are and how insignificant events in our lives are even though they may seem big.

I'll get though this semester an go home and everything will be great, I know that. But how I'm feeling right now, all of these mixture of feelings, isn't great. I can't wait to be done with feeling these feelings.

Vulnerability

Being single....but wanting a relationship...but not wanting to put in the work...or risk getting hurt...or dealing with the "what if"... etc.

That's how my brain is working right now. I hate it.

I'm single. Don't necessarily want to be. However, I don't want to put myself out there. I would much rather hermit in my apartment watching hours and hours of Netflix while my possible soulmate is off doing something more exciting.

Sometimes I think: yeah, I'll go out and be social, meet new people, being more outgoing than I've even been... But I also don't want to risk getting. Doing that, putting myself out there, it's not worth it to me. I've been hurt in ways I didn't think possible by people I didn't think would ever hurt me. I don't want to feel like that.

Even if I meet a guy in class and we start talking and I start to develop a crush I go though this thing where I think of all the possible outcomes. What if we do this, what if they find out about blah, blah, blah; what if they don't like x, y, z. I wonder if they're thinking about me, what do they think about me, etc.

Going though that is absolutely terrible. It's not fun for me to be worried constantly if I am my crush's crush. Even if we start dating I worry about things like this.

Although most of my relationships don't go that far because I find reasons to run. I hate hanging myself on a line for someone, waiting on their every move. So, when I feel myself getting too close I make reasons to go away.

I don't want to risk myself getting hurt so I stop. I make an excuse as to why the relationship isn't working just in case I fall to hard and it really doesn't work. I save myself hurt. Feeling vulnerable sucks. But it has to happen in relationships.

Being vulnerable takes immense strength. It takes putting yourself out there, and doing what is in your heart and your soul.

It means admitting you love someone before he has told you he loves you. It means showing when you are sad. It means learning to be okay with your anxieties and fears and learning to turn them into strengths that lead you to emotional freedom.

You can't control the other person. All their actions could affect you positively and negatively. And that's scary for me. You have no idea what's going to happen and I hate not knowing things like that. I'm a planner so having all of these uncertainties kills me.

Sometimes I think, yes. Throw yourself out there. Test the waters. And I think about it. I want to do it. But I can never bring myself to go in there head first. So instead, I just think about meeting my soulmate...what he looks like, what his personality is, what his interests are. Hmm. They're happy thoughts! They make me think that he's real. Almost like a fairy tale. I would love for prince charming to take me away on a white horse and we live happily ever after. But alas. Life has a different plan for me right now. 

Maybe I'm supposed to close myself off, to not feel emotions, to not feel vulnerable. I've been hurt. I've let myself get too invested in people who hurt me. I don't want to go through that.

Is waiting for the "right guy" to come along the best way to Life? What if I don't get the chance to meet him because I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. But what if I waste my time on the "wrong guy" and let the "right" one slide by unnoticed because I'm too wrapped up in the wrong one? I guess we'll never know unless we try.

The thing is: I don't want to risk getting hurt by the "wrong guy". I don't want to try.

My thoughts are going around and around. Never ending. Never coming to an agreement.

I guess when the time is right, I'll finally allow myself to be vulnerable to others. And hopefully, it will be with the "right guy".

This describes everything:

So maybe someday I will meet some who will be my person. I would like that.

Change

I don't want this to be some cheesy post like, "Ooo! Fall means everything changes! Blah, blah blah." I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

When I'm on Pinterest I see this quote:

"You're not the same individual you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You're always growing. Experiences don't stop. That's life."

It always makes me think.. Because it is true. I am not the same person I was a year, month, or week ago. Everything that happens in my life changes me. Even if it's a slight change. Everything effects you. We wake up every day as a slightly new person, even if we don't see the change.

I did a little writing reflection thing ending my freshmen year about who I was, my personality, likes, dislikes, and things like that. I revisited it starting my sophomore year to see if my perspective about myself changed. And honestly, it wasn't as drastic as I had thought it would be.

The main thing I noticed was how much happier I was. Not that I was unhappy before, but I hadn't let some things go that I should have. Last summer allowed me to do that. I became a little more carefree and outgoing.

I am still an introvert. Like, 100% an introvert. However, between working with kids or starting band again, I was able to let myself be more outgoing than my introvert-ness would approve of. But I am happy doing it. I am happy to be my dorky, weird self. 

If I go back a year ago what I thought my life would be like is completely different than what it is. I would still be with my ex, I wouldn't have joined (and then quit) a cult/sorority, I would be eating healthy, I would've gotten a job at the YMCA, and many other things. Even though these things weren't always what I wanted, I have learned a lot. And they have shaped me into who I am.

• So my ex, (there might need to be an entire post about him because our past is very interesting and our friendship now is...odd). I'm not going to lie, I thought he was the one for me (as did many others). Hell, everyone thought we were together for the long run. Fall brings change and that's what happened to us. Very long story short; I almost lost my best friend. We both grew in separate ways and we just weren't working anymore. I have never been more afraid of losing someone than I was the majority of my freshmen year. And it showed. I acted like a crazy person. His friendship was, and still is, very important to me.

What I learned? I need to let go of some things to make room better things. Letting go is easier said than done. But it has to happen. I am very thankful for my past with this individual because it led to a better future for us. Even though we aren't together, we're closer now than we were when we were together.

Sometimes, the people we never expect to hurt us are the ones that hurt us the most. Not that they mean to, but we hold them up to such a high standard than anything they do can hurt.

• The cult. Oh boy. This probably needs it's own post too. So I'll keep this one short. My spring semester I decided to join a sorority. It was non-traditional and seemed a lot nicer and not as time consuming as the other sororities on campus. I was VERY wrong. I ended up terminating myself for a multiple of reasons I won't go into right now. Let's just say we didn't agree on how I should spend my time.

What I leaned? Even if you go into something with the best intentions, it might not work out and that's okay. I also learned that it is better to stand up for yourself than to let others walk over you. That's been a lesson in my life for years and it only took me 19 years to actually listen and act upon it.

• Eating healthy. Okay. So, I've had intentions coming to college to eat healthy and stay fit. It hasn't happened yet. I just can't get myself to buy healthy food. Nor can I get myself to drive to the gym to work out. But you know, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

What I leaned? All sweets are good in moderation. :) I eat so many sweets, it's ridiculous. But I'm not unhealthy so I'm going to keep at it!

• I really wanted to work at the YMCA over the summer with their summer camps. After a week or two after school ended and I was home for the summer, I realized it wasn't happening and I needed to look elsewhere. So, I ended up working at a daycare over the summer which was such a great experience for me!

What I learned? You can't be upset when things don't go your way. Life won't always work out how we want it to. By working at the daycare I learned so much by just being around the kids. I became a little attached to a few kids. But by working there for the summer I've secured a job for my future breaks when I'm home, which is lovely. Plus, I'm getting teaching experience.

I guess my point is this:

Life is going to throw curve balls all the time. Things happen to everyone all the time, even when they're expecting things to go a different way. Just because we expect something to happen, does not mean it will happen. There are a lot of things that play into our choices and the choices of others.

Plus, we can't really know someone. We might say we do, but we will never be able to know exactly how someone is feeling, exactly how their feeling. We might be able to come close, but it will never be complete. The only person who truly knows me, is myself. That's a true statement for everyone else as well.

Just smile at life's unexpected occurrences no matter how terrible they seem. Life will always get better.

Singlehood... Future?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my future. Sometimes its as simple as what I'm going to eat for dinner but other times it's like long-term, future family kind of future. It's a weird thing to think of because I don't feel like I'm at that stage yet. But alas, I am.

I have two general options:
1. Stay single
2. Get married

Those are probably fairly obvious but I've thought about each of those options in depth... one more than the other.

I want kids. I always have. The easiest, most socially acceptable way to do this is option two. My spouse and I will have kids together. Pretty simple. Very common.

One Problem:

I don't have any male prospect. At all. Unless you count the attractive males in Once Upon A Time... But, I don't. So right now, option two looks very unattainable. That's fine. I don't really *need* a male person in my life. Although sometimes, it would be fairly nice to have them!

Option one, however, has been in my mind for a while. In one of my classes this semester we watched a documentary called "Sperm Donor X". The entire time I was watching it I was thinking "oh wow. This could easily be me." Since then, I've been tossing around the idea of being a single parent.

Thankfully, I'm not the only one thinking about that. One of my really good friends told me that he doesn't see himself getting married. However, he wants a child. And he would be one hell of a parent. Any child would be lucky to have him as a father. I'm excited to see what his future bring him in this realm of children.

Him and I have been tossing around the idea of single parenthood. It's an odd thing to think about, but a very realistic thing as well.

If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have even considered this an option. To me it was married with a child or single without one. I don't want to not have a child. My biggest goal is to have a child. I'm kind of realizing that I might have to go against society and have one on my own, by myself, and that's an okay thing to do.

I tell my friends "If you are happy with this decision, then it is the right choice. It doesn't matter what other people say or think. What matters is your happiness. That's more important than their happiness about your choices."

I'm guilty of not listening to my own advice. I'm starting to listen, though. And if I want to have a child on by own, I'm going to do it because it will make me happy.


That's not for quite a while though. Like, after college. And who knows, I could meet someone by then and go with the traditional route! Which would be completely fine by me!

This type of thinking is odd for me because it is very realistic, very now. But there are options out there to be a single parent and they aren't bad things!

Busy Bee -- This Past Week

I think all professors get together and decide to pick up the pace of class at the same time. Or maybe going to Colorado for the weekend put me a little behind. It's probably both.

First, I need to talk about my Colorado trip. My friend and I went to Commerce City to watch a soccer game. More specifically, Seattle Sounders VS Colorado Rapids... Go Sounders! The Sounders won 4-1 and it was phenomenal! Our seats were right behind the Sounder's bench so I was able to see all of my favorite players up close and personal! ;)

Here are some pictures:

 

These were our seats. :D

 

 

Us before the game!

 

Deandre Yedlin. My favorite. :)

 

Dempsey gave his jersey to this kid after the game. It was adorable!

If you're interested in watching the highlights here's the link: Seattle/Colorado Highlights


The day before the soccer game we hung out with my family. My aunt took us to Canvas and Cocktails. We weren't old enough to drink, but we did paint! I won't post *my* painting because it's terrible. Like, quite literally. I did not get my artistic abilities from my mom...

Here are some of the paintings I adored that were hanging up on the wall:

 

You're in Colorado...so naturally... Go Broncos!

 

This is my favorite. I think this scene is adorable! It's on my to-do list!

 

I thought this was simple and cute!

 

This one made me think of Tangled. Eventually I will see the floating lanterns!

After that craziness we had to drive back to Laramie and go to class the next day. It. was. exhausting. I haven't caught up on sleep because I haven't had the time with class and band.

I had two books to read, a project to do, a quiz, and a test. On top of class and sectionals for band. I feel like I've been running around like crazy all week.

Just because, here is picture from my project. We had to describe are views on children. Which might not seem that difficult but it was. And very. Very. Very. Time consuming. I glued and then melted the crayons on the basket. Inside there were little things that made me think of a word to describe kids. Like a pinwheel was playful. And there were cards that described everything.

Just fyi, crayons don't come off of hardwood that easily.

Now that it's Friday, I have the time to catch up on sleep and get ahead in class! Minus the few hours I have to give to band on Saturday and for my group project on Sunday... BUT! I plan on being a homebody the rest of the time! Which, I am very good at. :D Hopefully it is a productive weekend!

Chasing People

Okay, so I've never been one to always be in a relationship. Like, ever. But I can give some hella good advice if you need me to. At least, that's what people tell me! But there are some times when I'm like, "ooo, a boyfriend that sounds fun. I'll pick you!" And I chase this boy around just trying to make him like me.

 

But I was going about it all wrong. It is quite literally the worst way to get into a relationship. Do you know why? You aren't being your true self.

 

I found this while browsing Pinterest the other day and it hit the right cords at the time.

So, the end of last semester this guy started flirting with me. But at the time I was getting over a bad break-up and wasn't wanting to have him be a rebound even though, indirectly, he was. So summer came and we both went back home and barley talked. I replayed moments with him where we couldn't taken things to the next level but didn't. Sometimes I looked at those moments in regret, other times, I was glad nothing went further (not that it was far to begin with).

Band camp comes around and we start talking more but every time we do he always brings up this girl he had a thing with over the summer or a super hot girl in band, etc. Pretty much I felt like the last thing on his mind. And it didn't quite bother me. However, it seemed like everyone around me was in a relationship and I felt like I needed to have one to.

So naturally I picked him. And I chased him around, not quite acting like myself. A few weeks went by and things between us heated up. And I didn't know what to do. He kissed me and I wasn't sure where I wanted things to go between us.

I did a dumb thing and started to avoid him for a few days. Which wasn't bad because we were busy with band and it was easier to stay with our sections than to mix sections. But still. I was being a jerk to him.

After debating it, I didn't want a relationship. I mean, this might sound a bit harsh, but I didn't want a relationship with *him*. A relationship in general, hell yes...but not with this guy. I didn't, and still don't think, we know each other well enough. I've been told I have high standards but that's how I was raised and I'm in the mood of lowering my standards to please people.

I digress, because I had to debate whether or not I wanted something with him I felt like it was necessary to tell him no, I didn't want a relationship. That I want to focus on myself. Which is kind of silly, I've been focusing on myself for years. But the past few months is when I started being happy and comfortable with myself.

One of my apartment mates told me that I function extremely well being single. Most people, her included, can't function without having some sort of interest. And me, well, I can do my own thing and not care. When I find the right guy, I'll know. Maybe that's why I shut people down so often. Something inside me knows they aren't the right guy so I turn them away. Who knows.

I guess my point is don't chase people. Don't change yourself just to impress somebody. Whether it's a friend, coworker, or someone you want to date; just be yourself! As Dr. Seuss said:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You”.

Daily Advice from a Band Director

 

 

 

Alright. I see this quote often, especially on Pinterest. I even hear it like, once a week or so from my band director. Lately, I've been telling this to myself. I went to about a month where everything was just so frustrating to me, especially the little things. This quote made everything a little easier. It sort of put everything into a perspective.

If you google this quote you'll probably get a few names of whomever said this. For me, it will always be my band director. When I read it, I read it in his voice.

Let's just think about this. Life. Your life. The life you are living right now. Is only 10%. TEN PERCENT! What happens to you.

The other 90%? Is your own reaction. Not your friend's or your neighbor's. Just yours. You control 90% of your life.

That's crazy!

I think everyone is guilty of getting caught up in the moment and freaking out over something that, in the long run, doesn't matter. As I go on this adventure into adulthood (yikes!) it's a lot of learning about when I should and shouldn't fuss over things. There are always going to be things that are out of my control. I have a hard time realizing sometimes that I can't control those situations. Nor can I control what others do. Event though sometimes I may want to.

But what can I control? Myself. I have full control over EVERYTHING that I do and say. And that, is powerful.

I have more control over more than I realize. And what do I do? I let the things I can't change and control get to me. Which in turn affects how I react. I let what happens to me control how I act. That's not a fun way to live.

It's going to take some work. But my goal by the end of the semester is to realize and focus my energy into how I react to things. I want to control myself. I don't want the situation or other to control me.

There will be more to come relating to this advice. There will also be a post in the near future about Western Thunder, I'm sure.

But for now, so long.
Go pokes.

And remember, You control more than you realize.

Welcome! First Post!

Hello! Welcome to my blog! I know the name is kind of cliché but I had been wanting to create a blog and couldn't think of the right title for it. So yes. Life's Roller Coaster. More specifically, my life's roller coaster.

Honestly, I'll probably rant and complain more than I should (and want to). I'm not a negative person either! But sometimes getting it out feels better. I don't know who will read this, or if anyone will... But if nobody does, that's fine too! This is just to keep me creative so I don't waste my time on Pinterest...which I do a lot. Oops. ;)

I'm hoping this will be a nice creative source for me to write stories or just talk about life or anything in general.

I am kind of obsessed with quotes and song lyrics so I'll probably end or start a post with a quote or lyric.

I hope you are prepared to join to me on this roller coaster ride called life.

Please keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times. ;) That was cheesy, I know, I couldn't help it.

Go Pokes. And stay positive. :)

"Life is about moments: Don't wait for them. Create them."