Map of Life

Life has a funny way of unfolding itself.

It is like you and "Life" driving together somewhere you have never been. You are looking at the map, planning your next few turns only to find out that Life has taken its own turns. It could be a minor detour that is easy to get back with your plan. It could also be a major detour that leads you in a new direction to a different destination.

It is hard to know at the time if Life takes you on minor or major detours until you are looking back at it. For example, while I was studying my map I originally went to college thinking I would double major in Elementary Education and Spanish. Within my first year I went on a detour that led me down the Early Childhood Path which I am 100% happy with. At the time I would have said that it was a minor detour, but looking back it was a major turning point for me.

Everything after that seems like smooth sailing. I was working on my Elementary and Early Childhood degree and could see the light at the end of the tunnel: a teaching job in an Elementary School. That was my plan and it seemed like everything was working out for me.

Life must have thought I needed a new detour since I hadn't really had one in four years. I had my Elementary interviews, one I bombed and one I rocked. I was pretty confident in getting one of those interviews. Life had a different idea and sent me back on the Early Childhood Path. Right now I can see two roads; one road is fairly clear and leading to preschool whereas the other road is rather bumpy and uncertain but will lead me to elementary.

On top of Life doing its own driving, you also have backseat drivers. These people could be family, friends, or even strangers who think they know what is best. Mine are family and family friends. The preschool path for them looks dinky and useless whereas the elementary road is the only road to go on. They see me subbing, jumping school to school until I land that elementary job. I appreciate their confidence in me, but what if that never happens? Do they think about what I want or just what they see fit for me?

Maybe I'm not cutout to teach elementary in this town. Maybe I don't want the added stress that this district puts on teachers- especially new ones. I am confident I could get a teaching job in another town and state. I don't want to live in another town or even another state.

What I see about the two roads Life has set for me, is they are both over-arched with teaching, kids, and making a positive impact. Those things are what matters to me. I know I'll need to make a choice soon. Do I want to stick with the Early Childhood Path that Life has laid out so easily and is less stressful or do I want to take the harder path back to my original plan of Elementary?

What my backseat drivers don't realize is that if I do choose the Elementary Path, I would take the Early Childhood Path if it didn't work out. Maybe not getting a job was a sign that better things are to come with my Early Childhood Path than Elementary? Maybe that is what I want to believe.

What I want to guide my decision is my happiness. I don't want to choose something because everyone wants me to. For all I know I could be planning one path and Life will detour me to the other or a completely new path. I'm battling between Elementary and Early Childhood and I feel so conflicted.

What I worry about is if I choose the Early Childhood Path, will I be wasting the four years of education and money I put in to Elementary? A bit, I think will be wasted because you can't apply everything about Elementary to Early Childhood since the kids will be a different stages of life. I have so many books and materials that are meant for Elementary that I will never use in an Early Childhood setting.

I found this picture and decided to try it:

I feel like I should want to continue to pursue Elementary but, I don't. I feel like I can have the same outcome (or better) by doing preschool. With preschool, I can see where it will take me and I think that's where I would want to be. Why not flip the tables: if Early Childhood doesn't work out, I can always sub. I think I've been told SO many times to continue with Elementary that I forgot I can ALWAYS come back to it.

The world is always going to need teachers.

¿Am I Cinderella?

So I've been trying to write a post for MONTHS. My last post was in September and it is now December. I just haven't liked what I've typed up and end up never publishing it. Right now I am just sort of word-vomiting to get things on the page because my brain has been cluttered for a while and I just need to let it out. So let's get started!

Relationships are so confusing. In all sense of the word from a colleague to a friendship to a love interest. I try to make sure I have a good relations with everyone but some people make is SO HARD. When I am in a bad situation I try to make myself see things from the other person's perspective to make sure I am not the one doing the harm and change my ways from there. But sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, I just cannot find a way that I am harming others more than they are harming me. That makes me sound a little self-centered, but that's how I see things.

Recently, I have actually realized what it is to hate someone. Genuinely dislike to the point where I cannot wait for them to be out of my life because they bring such a negative vibe and energy into my life. The three of us are in a position of power in the band and have to work together. However, they give me no power. The head of the snake...let's call her Anastasia should have more power than Drizella and myself because Anastasia is the instructor where as Drizella and I are just section leaders. But that's not the case. Anastasia and Drizella decided to share the power leaving me with doing all of the tasks they don't want to do. Which, you know, I guess is okay because these tasks generally are pretty important...buuuuut I'm all for equal share in these roles like every other section in the band.

These two people have cause me so much stress this semester. I have tried very hard to not let them get to me, but it is really hard. Especially when you are invested in something and want to see everyone succeed and you feel like you're the black sheep of everything. Observing them teach and give feedback is so sad. I try to give feedback to everyone and Anastasia gives feedback to the ones she enjoys....which is Drizella (but she's always perfect) and Drizella's minion. Which leaves six of us thinking we're okay, even if we aren't. I don't really know when all of this started, and I feel like I am more at odds ends with Anastasia than Drizella but they're both so far up each others ass that I consider them the same. (I thought about deleting that sentence...but I couldn't find any other way to word that.)

This may have really snowballed down when I made a mistake [how dare I??!] and Anastasia got very, VERY upset with me. When I tried to apologize she didn't even try to listen it was just "You should've done this. No excuses." So I was a little frustrated and sent her a fairly long message apologizing and explaining myself. I pretty much told her that I don't feel respected as a leader and it makes it very hard to respect her when it doesn't feel mutual, but I have been very supportive of all changes she has made when people question them. From then she stopped talking to me, stopped looking at me during practice, stopped helping me, stopped making sure I was doing okay when I missed things. This all happened late September/early October.... SOOOO it's been going on for quite a few months.

When I try to put myself in their shoes, I don't think I am in the wrong. People make mistakes, but I owned it and my reasoning was valid. I think Anastasia is more upset that I made her look bad in front of "Lady Tremaine". I don't think I've been disrespectful to Anastasia and Drizella's face. Behind their back...maybe a little bit but they've been disrespectful to my face in front of the rest of the guard. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I hope they are very content with themselves in making others feel like shit about themselves. 

This is a little tangent, however I feel like this whole situation is very similar to Cinderella hence why I changed their names to match the Ugly Step Sisters. My view on Cinderella is that she is someone who goes through her life, even though she has people treating her like trash every day, with a smile and positive attitude that things will get better one day. Cinderella marries the Prince and moves away from all of that negativity. If she can be kind to all of these negative people I can as well. I know, she's just a cartoon, but I love the message she brings.

I think I'll leave this post with this emphasis on these colleague relationships and come back with another post about friends/love interests for another time. So the moral of this story is to be kind to everyone, even if they aren't kind to you. The world cares about the kindness of others, good things happen to those who are kind to others.

So yes, we all can take advice from Cinderella. 😃👸


One last parting words from Cinderella:

You Matter To Me

I haven't posted in a few months, had writers block. But I've recently had some inspiration so, here I am, writing.

We've had this chat multiple times about figuring out what we wanted, who we were, and what we expected from a relationship before anything became a thing. Maybe I didn't understand at the time, maybe the two years of life you had on me were giving you an advantage of planning this out. Maybe you just knew and maybe I'm just a little slow. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to figure it out

Our last falling out hit me hard. To me it came out of nowhere. I thought I was being supportive and understanding but maybe I was smothering you too much. Maybe all you needed was this space and time to figure out your life. And I needed to figure out myself. Looking back, even though I hated it and had quite a few negative feelings towards you, I'm glad it happened.

-- I am more confident with myself. I don't need you to help me, I can do this on my own. But if you're there, I'm going to use you as support.

-- I know how much I am willing to put up with. If you start getting shady then you've made your choice. I'm not going to put up with crappy friends anymore.

-- I also know what I expect from a relationship now, at least, more than I did before. Actually, what I expect from friendships as well.I don't like sounding all high-and-mighty but when it comes to my well-being and happiness, I'm going to sound like that. I don't want to settle on a relationship just because it is convenient. I want to have fun and be serious. Honesty. Comfort. Someone who unknowingly makes me a better person.

-- I know how to be happy on my own. I think before I depended on you too much and now I've realized that you don't dictate my happiness but that your words and actions can influence my happiness but they don't make or break it. I get to do that.

-- I also know more of what I want out of a relationship. I want someone who will let me in their life, tell me about their feelings and thoughts, share their past, let me in during hard times. I want someone who makes me laugh, but can also have serious conversations. I want to feel like our conversations are genuine, I don't want to feel like we have the same conversations with other fiends we are close with. I want us to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play and I want a playful relationship where we just enjoy each others company.

I don't know if it is you. I don't know if I want it to be you either. But somewhere inside me keeps pulling me to you and makes me think that it is you. You are going to be my person. You cause me so many conflicting emotions it is hard to make out what I really feel sometimes. But recently I think I'm starting to figure it out..maybe.

Here are some things I do know:

I really enjoy talking to you. I enjoy your stories and insights. We have a connection that I don't have with anyone else and I want to cherish it. There are conversations that I only have with you. I am excited for your future and all of the great things you'll do. You matter to me. I care about you and your happiness.

But then I start to think, do I tell you? Should I just be blunt and get it all out and if things aren't reciprocal just pick up the pieces and move on? Or do I wait a little longer? What do I even expect to come from telling you?  Maybe I should figure that out before I say anything. Right now, we are still growing on our own, but I feel like we are also growing together...slowly. Or maybe I'm just picturing what I want instead of what is actually happening. I feel very content with things right now. For now I'll leave it as, you matter to me. I'll figure everything out later. 

Insight to My World

You've been asking for years about "what's going on in your brain?". I have tried to figure it out for you, but it is a little difficult. There will be quite a few stories to help explain everything.

So in general:

My brain is on constant alert. 24/7. It is always going. Not just random thoughts like "Oh, I want a dog."  or "I need to clean." or "I like this song." They are more repetitive and worrisome.

"What if this happens?" "Did I forget to do this? Oh I better go check." *Check* *Worry that I checked wrong* *Check again* *Worry that checking it didn't work* *Check again* *Worry that I only checked it three times* *Check again*

I overthink and overanalyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Every single second of my day. Everything I say. Everything people tell me. Their body language. My body language.

When I was about 8 I started this thing where I bite my lips according to my age. I make sure there are an equal amount of bites on the left and right side, as well as the top and bottom of my lips. Weird, I know. I do this every day. Especially when I get nervous, I bite and count. I don't know why I do, what provoked me to start it...but it is what I do. Maybe it calms me down? I don't know. But I do it. At least once I day, usually when I wake up. I've probably wasted a year of my life doing this.

In social situations:

I need control. I need to make sure my environment is safe and secure. That need for control makes first day of classes really, really hard. When I was in elementary school I would get very anxious on the first day.

I remember the first day of fourth grade I had a complete meltdown when my mom took me to my classroom. Even though I knew the large majority of the class, I didn't know the teacher, it was my first year in the school without Nate, and I was on a different side of the school that I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to do or where I was going to sit or where my best friend was or who I was going to sit by at lunch or if I was going to make it through the day. All of those thoughts hit me at once and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like the room was caving in on me and I couldn't leave. They wouldn't let me. I had to sit there and panic while everyone else had a seemliness transition into the first day of school. I still think about it to this day.

Another story. I actually don't remember how old I was but I was either going into 5th or 6th grade. I was in girl scouts back in the day. My friend Jacqui and I convinced our parents to sign us up for this week long camp. It was cheaper if a chaperon came with so Jacqui's mom and my dad signed up as well. We had to go to check-in early becasue our parents were chaperons and they had to be placed at a certain camp. I went in thinking I was going to have this awesome adventure week with my dad and I was very mistaken. Because we live in a society where people have to talk to strangers and make new friends they separated us from our parents, I was lucky that they didn't separate Jacqui and I. The only time I would see my dad was at meals but they wanted us to sit with our camps so we could make friends. I would panic at every meal. Three times a day for a week. He would wave while we were eating. When I knew it was getting close to clean up time where we all went our separate ways I would panic. I didn't want people to know I was having some sort of separation anxiety (I didn't know that is what it was at the time) so I said I would get headaches because of the noise (it did get pretty noisy).
-- A little side note: Oggy came on this trip with me and everyone in my camp made fun of me for it. Girl Scouts were bitches.

ANYWAY! Back to my brain during social encounters.

I feel a constant need to please everyone. Make sure everyone is happy. I hate confrontation because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So in turn I put everyone's needs in front of mine. However, I have become pretty good at knowing when I need to stop and take time for myself. I fear that if someone I admire or someone that I am close to leaves me alone, they won't come back. Dramatic, I know. I also worry about what people think of me (to a point, and I don't know how to explain it). I feel like I bother people so I give them space, but giving them space makes it seem like I'm pushing them away and that I don't want to be friends, which isn't the case. It is a constant battle. It also goes the other way. When people don't respond to a message my brain thinks that they hate me, don't want to talk to me anymore, and would rather not have me in their life. Thanks, brain.

I am always out of my comfort zone. Always. I hate meeting new people. Absolutely hate it. I feel like people are always judging me, thinking all of these negative thoughts about me. I even think that way about acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in a while. I worry about all of the "what ifs" when I'm talking to people. Because my mind is going on it's on train wreck of thoughts I don't speak up much. I'm too consumed with the worrisome thoughts to start conversations or to pipe up in a discussion.
--Side note: When I come back and we get together, I try so, so hard. I still get worried and nervous when talking to you. Here is why: I'm not used to how you communicate in person, I still worry about saying the "wrong" things, and can't control the environment around you. That uncertainty kills me. It gets better, every little bit counts, but it is so hard sometimes.

I have a fear of letting people down. Which, I think is why I am stuck in this place right now. I just feel like I have let people down already and I don't want it to snowball down. No volleyball genetics - let down. No desire to party/do adult things at 21 - let down. I'm not a straight A student - let down. Nobody celebrates an almost straight A student.

The thing is, I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. I just can't stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. I feel sometimes like I'm always disappointing people. I worry so much about making sure I live up to their expectations, especially doing things like this internship, I feel like I've lost my own expectations of myself.

Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.

I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.

I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.

Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.

To Whom it May Concern...

On a positive note, the book I read over Thanksgiving had this quote that I just adore. Maybe it's the puzzle piece thing about it. But I think it is so true.

Every Day by David Levithian 

Maybe we don't realize it at first but we shape ourselves so we can work with the other person. And it isn't a bad thing. No, not at all. It's a wonderful thing actually. You shape each other to fit, to be the best they can possibly be.

Sometimes it takes a long time to shape each other, other times it might only take a week! Every relationship is different. I think that's important to remember. People are different. People love differently. That's life. I think you know you've found someone great when they realize how you love and do things to show you they love you based on how YOU love and not themselves. But you must also be willing to do the same.

My relationship love languages in order from greatest to least: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. Which is a little different from my "single" love language.

Quality Time: I just want to be around you. Whether we're doing something exciting or something on our own but in our same room. I think there's a level of comfort in silence. Being able to be together and sometimes not talk, is normal for me. I value quiet time. But that doesn't mean my spouse can't be there with me. We could both be reading books in the same room. The main thing is that we're together. 

Words of Affirmation: I like hearing things. I like knowing that I'm loved and appreciated without needing to assume it. Maybe that's been missing in a lot of my relationships. It was just assumed that they cared. They rarely told me so I was doubting myself the entire relationship. That caused me to do some pretty crazy things I'm not too proud of...

Acts of Service: Actions sometimes speak louder than words. I appreciate my partner helping me do things. Whether I'm too stressed to do it on my own, or they just want to help. I love it. Especially if I know they don't particularly enjoy the task. Then I know they aren't doing it for them, they're doing it for me.

Physical Touch: I think this is important, but not the biggest thing to worry about. And I don't think it needs to be 24/7. I'm not big on PDA. I love hugs though. I think hugs can mean a lot. Whether it is just because or because we haven't seen each other. I think there is something nice about being in the arms of someone you care about. I think for a long term relationship, things should be a little more physical at times. Or maybe that just want I assume will happen because that's how society is.

Receiving Gifts: Because this is last, doesn't mean it isn't important. I do like getting gifts, especially when there is thought and time put into it. I just feel bad that people are spending their money on me. I'd rather they spend their money on something more substantial like food. It just depends on my partner, I guess. If I knew they gave gifts, just because they thought it'd be nice, I would appreciate it. And I would go out of my way to give them gifts.


I think being home has me thinking of relationships a lot.

What do I need out of a relationship? What is ideal? If I could go to a husband factory and make myself a husband, what would his traits be?

First things first, he would need to be my best friend. There would need to be a solid foundation based off of communication, trust, and honesty. I think those three go hand-in-hand. From there there's a lot of things. I don't like to think of myself as picky or needy but when it comes to this, I'm very picky. Personality wise, I'd love for him to be kind, funny, caring, generous, and open. If he could have dark skin and dark hair, that'd be perfect! That's my type! (Cristiano Ronaldo, DeAndre Yedlin, Fredy Montero, pretty much most soccer players). He would need to want kids and a family. Hard worker. Thoughtful.

We would find things to do that we have in common, but there would be things we don't have in common.  And that's fine, I expect that from any friendship. I want to be comfortable enough with him that I wouldn't mind looking like a slob. He would need to understand my silence and that sometimes, I need a couple minutes to be quiet and reflect. And I may not have a response to a question right away, my brain doesn't work like that. But I will have a response if he gives me just a couple more seconds before dismissing it. Sometimes, I'll need to bitch about things he's probably heard a thousand times, but I just need to get it out. He doesn't have to give me advice about it every single time. I just need to be heard.

He'll need to know that there will never be a perfect time to have a serious talk. He will need to rip the band-aid off sometimes for a serious conversation, even if the timing isn't right. It's better to get it out there. If we're honest, there shouldn't be many problems. Divorce is not an option. I don't care how screwed up we might be. If there was a good relationship before, it can happen again. It'll take work but divorce/separation won't happen.

Not that everything is perfect like a husband factory. But I believe if you find the right person, anything is possible. Soon enough, who they are will be perfect for you. It's like the puzzle piece; you shape each other so you can work together.

Unfinished Business

I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships. They don't seem to be my forte which kind of sucks because I would love to have a family. Absolutely love it.

It seems like every time there is someone I could develop feelings for I find flaws in them. And then I become very uninterested. Quite literally every guy. Except one. That one exception to the rule. Maybe he's the "one"...maybe. It is a lovely thing to think about.

The only thing I know is he and I are unfinished business.

Maybe that's what we will always be. But maybe, just maybe, we can actually try. Maybe. Who knows. We have to see where the future takes us. I'm hoping it's on a path together.

It is a little cliche but I always tell myself:

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

That's what I did. I let him go. Kind of hoping he would come back but I knew I wouldn't be too disappointed if he didn't. We both did our own thing, met other people but ultimately for me at least, they weren't him. I've always known it. Never told anyone that that's why my potential relationships never work, but that's why. I looked for one quality that wasn't the same and I became uninterested. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for a completely ridiculous reason.


Who defines what "love" is? I mean really. What is love? The dictionary defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection." That may be true, but I feel like there is more to love than that. Maybe love is how people express it. Which is possible, there are 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

My top love languages are Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. But that's as me being single. People have have a different love language when they are in a relationship and you can even find your child's love language. Knowing your love language as well as your spouse's love language can be very beneficial.

Everyone expresses feelings differently, that's life. I think the beauty in it is knowing how you express feelings and how others might perceive them. Maybe it is an INFJ thing but knowing yourself and the people around you is a special quality to have.

This is a quote from one of my new favorite books. Every Day by David Leviathan.

It is a new view on falling in love and soulmates. It is like we don't pick who we like, it's already been decided and we have to go out and find it. It's an adventure to find love. It sounds like a fun adventure!

But alas, the single life awaits me! Hopefully not forever.

Before I die, I want to be somebody's favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep them safe.

Distance by Christina Perri pretty much nails my thoughts about it...him...love...this whole unfinished business deal...

Maybe I love him. Maybe I always have. Maybe I always will. Is that enough to not let us be unfinished business. Maybe. If we do get another chance, I will do things differently, that's for sure. Losing your best friend once is hard but losing them twice, that would be too much.

But getting another chance with your best friend, that would be lovely.

I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I mean this. All of it.

Space Cadet

So as last week was the last week of classes on of my teachers passed on a bit of advice:

"Small minds talk about people. Average minds talk about events. Great minds talk about ideas."- Eleanor Roosevelt 

Honestly, I kind of brushed it off because I didn't want to think about anything expect for some final projects. But now that it is all over I've been mulling it over. She told us to analyze our friends often for this and the one's you talk about ideas with are people you have a really close connection with.

That's what I've been doing. Mulling it over. Comparing my friends to this quote. A quote of all things to compare my friends to. It sounds so silly. What I've been discovering though, I talk about people and events often. I rarely talk about ideas. In fact there is only one person I talk to about ideas.

Not that all of my other friends are terrible people because we don't talk about ideas. Maybe its because we don't know each other as well as we need to. Or maybe because we're girls and girls to petty things like that. Or all of the above. Who knows!

Although I have done some friend evaluating before then. When band ended I realized my friends were pretty negative. And it kind of goes along with not talking about ideas. But everything in life was such a negative thing.

"I hate her" "Why" "I don't know, I just do. I mean, look at her" "Yeah, she looks human. Great reason to hate someone..."

"Ugh. This is so stupid."

"I can't believe she did that."

It is much easier to talk bad about people than focus your energy elsewhere.

Guys, come on, why can't we do something positive? Being around negative energy is quite draining. Once I realized that they were negative about everything, I stopped trying to hang out with them. Trying to make myself fit into this group of friends that I don't necessarily want to be part of all the time. And I do enjoy their company on most days, but not when I want to be happy and positive. This group has caused so much drama in my life. You would think I don't want to be around them.

Is being around positive people too much to ask?? Can't we just talk about life and all the mysteries that surround it? Just let people be and be happy! Life is much better that way!

There is one person I talk to about ideas, and it's terrific. We literally talk about everything from life to death and everything inbetween. As morbid as it might be we've contemplated death and what is out in space and what happens after we die. Our existence on Earth is so unimportant compared to everything that is out in the universe. 

That's not to say we don't talk about people or events. But those aren't the main things we talk about. We talk about ideas and life and everything that goes with it. Every up and down life might throw at us. We talk about it all. Marriage, kids, jobs, family, school, daily occurrences, music, happy things, sad things, every little thing that happens. Life.

We aren't serious all of the time. We do joke about a lot and it probably isn't appropriate to talk about on here. But we have a well rounded friendship. I've never had a friendship like this one. Sometimes I forget how great it is to have someone like this in my life. I think everyone needs to have a Space Cadet in their life. There is so much to talk about with them.

The best part of being friends with a Space Cadet is that you will never be able to completely know and understand them. Their feet on on Earth but their minds are lost in the stars. And like the universe, a Space Cadet's mind is constantly changing. It makes life interesting.

I guess what I'm saying is don't limit your friends. Try to find someone who talks ideas. Who might be a little spacey. I promise you, life is a lot more interesting when you have a Space Cadet in your life.

❆ Snow ❆

Something magical happens when it snows

Well... as long as there isn't wind. Which in good ol' Laradise isn't all that common. But tonight...er... I guess a few nights ago (this has been in the works for a while), the snow was falling and the wind had gone away. It all looked very quiet. And with nobody out everything was peaceful. Still is pretty peaceful, actually.

Even though it was below freezing outside I went for a walk. Just myself, 10:30 at night, in the snow. The only thing driving me was my thoughts. Which is a beautiful disaster within itself. Giving my mind the ability to wander into what ever corner of my brain it wants to generally leads to trouble.

But sometimes it's needed. That's how I find out about myself. All of the fears and worries I push away usually come out. I don't like people seeing me sad or frustrated. I don't like feeling needy on my friends. I'd much rather be needed.

So on my walk, all silent, and by myself. I lost it. I had a meltdown. Sat down on a curb and cried for a while.

Why? I don't really know. Life has just been rather stressful lately, I guess. Kind of stressful. Only not really. I'm only stressed over one class and I shouldn't be stressed about it. We'll get this lesson done and present it and everything will go great. However, my groupmates don't really like to meet when we've planned it.

So that's great.

I'm homesick. That's for sure. This is my first Thanksgiving away from my family. I was fine until this past week and people started talking about going home. And although I have my apartment to myself for about two days, it sucks. It was my choice to go to New Mexico with the band. But, my band family isn't the same as my family.

I love my band family but I get an entire trip with them. I don't see my family that often. I miss them. A lot. I know I'll see them soon, but sitting alone in my apartment makes me miss them more.

It also makes me lonely. That kind of falls back on the fact I don't like feeling needy. I feel like I'm bothering people with my issues so I don't tell them. By doing that I isolate myself. As an introvert, I don't mind being alone. But I hate feeling like I can't turn to anyone when I  need to. I hate feeling lonely and isolated when I really just need someone to talk to.

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "but why not say something, I'm sure your friends are more than willing to help you!" You are probably right. I know I have friends who would drop things to help me. But I don't want them to.

I am so used to being strong for everyone else. I don't want people to think that I'm weak. I would much rather be the optimistic friend for everyone rather than a Negative Nancy.

Plus, these kinds of issues I don't like throwing on friends. If I could throw them off someone it would be a boyfriend, but that's not happening right now. It's just me talking to myself in the middle of the night while it snows.

Like I said, snow is magical. Not that it fixed my problems or even came close to helping in any way, shape, or form, it gave me a lovely scene to think in. Everything looks cozy when it has a fresh, untouched blanket of snow.

It gave me time to release everything that I had been keeping in all semester. Instead of talking it out with someone, I cried it all out. Thankfully it wasn't cold enough for my tears to freeze to my face or else that would be terrible.

Sometimes, taking a walk in freezing weather while it snows is all you need. And sometimes we get so caught up in our own little worlds we forget how almost insignificant our lives are and how insignificant events in our lives are even though they may seem big.

I'll get though this semester an go home and everything will be great, I know that. But how I'm feeling right now, all of these mixture of feelings, isn't great. I can't wait to be done with feeling these feelings.

Change

I don't want this to be some cheesy post like, "Ooo! Fall means everything changes! Blah, blah blah." I have been thinking about this for quite some time.

When I'm on Pinterest I see this quote:

"You're not the same individual you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You're always growing. Experiences don't stop. That's life."

It always makes me think.. Because it is true. I am not the same person I was a year, month, or week ago. Everything that happens in my life changes me. Even if it's a slight change. Everything effects you. We wake up every day as a slightly new person, even if we don't see the change.

I did a little writing reflection thing ending my freshmen year about who I was, my personality, likes, dislikes, and things like that. I revisited it starting my sophomore year to see if my perspective about myself changed. And honestly, it wasn't as drastic as I had thought it would be.

The main thing I noticed was how much happier I was. Not that I was unhappy before, but I hadn't let some things go that I should have. Last summer allowed me to do that. I became a little more carefree and outgoing.

I am still an introvert. Like, 100% an introvert. However, between working with kids or starting band again, I was able to let myself be more outgoing than my introvert-ness would approve of. But I am happy doing it. I am happy to be my dorky, weird self. 

If I go back a year ago what I thought my life would be like is completely different than what it is. I would still be with my ex, I wouldn't have joined (and then quit) a cult/sorority, I would be eating healthy, I would've gotten a job at the YMCA, and many other things. Even though these things weren't always what I wanted, I have learned a lot. And they have shaped me into who I am.

• So my ex, (there might need to be an entire post about him because our past is very interesting and our friendship now is...odd). I'm not going to lie, I thought he was the one for me (as did many others). Hell, everyone thought we were together for the long run. Fall brings change and that's what happened to us. Very long story short; I almost lost my best friend. We both grew in separate ways and we just weren't working anymore. I have never been more afraid of losing someone than I was the majority of my freshmen year. And it showed. I acted like a crazy person. His friendship was, and still is, very important to me.

What I learned? I need to let go of some things to make room better things. Letting go is easier said than done. But it has to happen. I am very thankful for my past with this individual because it led to a better future for us. Even though we aren't together, we're closer now than we were when we were together.

Sometimes, the people we never expect to hurt us are the ones that hurt us the most. Not that they mean to, but we hold them up to such a high standard than anything they do can hurt.

• The cult. Oh boy. This probably needs it's own post too. So I'll keep this one short. My spring semester I decided to join a sorority. It was non-traditional and seemed a lot nicer and not as time consuming as the other sororities on campus. I was VERY wrong. I ended up terminating myself for a multiple of reasons I won't go into right now. Let's just say we didn't agree on how I should spend my time.

What I leaned? Even if you go into something with the best intentions, it might not work out and that's okay. I also learned that it is better to stand up for yourself than to let others walk over you. That's been a lesson in my life for years and it only took me 19 years to actually listen and act upon it.

• Eating healthy. Okay. So, I've had intentions coming to college to eat healthy and stay fit. It hasn't happened yet. I just can't get myself to buy healthy food. Nor can I get myself to drive to the gym to work out. But you know, maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

What I leaned? All sweets are good in moderation. :) I eat so many sweets, it's ridiculous. But I'm not unhealthy so I'm going to keep at it!

• I really wanted to work at the YMCA over the summer with their summer camps. After a week or two after school ended and I was home for the summer, I realized it wasn't happening and I needed to look elsewhere. So, I ended up working at a daycare over the summer which was such a great experience for me!

What I learned? You can't be upset when things don't go your way. Life won't always work out how we want it to. By working at the daycare I learned so much by just being around the kids. I became a little attached to a few kids. But by working there for the summer I've secured a job for my future breaks when I'm home, which is lovely. Plus, I'm getting teaching experience.

I guess my point is this:

Life is going to throw curve balls all the time. Things happen to everyone all the time, even when they're expecting things to go a different way. Just because we expect something to happen, does not mean it will happen. There are a lot of things that play into our choices and the choices of others.

Plus, we can't really know someone. We might say we do, but we will never be able to know exactly how someone is feeling, exactly how their feeling. We might be able to come close, but it will never be complete. The only person who truly knows me, is myself. That's a true statement for everyone else as well.

Just smile at life's unexpected occurrences no matter how terrible they seem. Life will always get better.