Time with You

I'm laying here, in a separate bed next to yours on our last night. I keep thinking about the past few days we've had together traveling and at Disney.

We've had some good times riding rides, making jokes, watching cooking shows, put-put golf, enjoying each others company. At least, I was enjoying your company.

I'm trying so hard to mind your personal space but sometimes, I want to push it.

When we're waiting I want to lean on you, rest my head or arms on your shoulder, but I know how you feel about your space. I stop myself.
When we're walking I think about bumping into you, making our hands brush. I don't need anything to happen, just the brushing of skin, to feel something more. I stop myself.
When we're in a two-seater ride, usually dark, I want to be close to you, just because. But, I stop myself.
When your mom tells us to take a picture together I stand close to you. I want to stand at least somewhat close, feeling body heat close because I know you won't put your arms around me. But I stop myself.

I'm tired of stopping myself. I want there to be *something* but I am so afraid to invade your space and make you feel uncomfortable.

But then again, you're constantly pushing me outside my comfort. Hell, this trip with your family is out of my comfort zone. Not that I don't appreciate all that your parents have done, I just don't know them well enough. I hope you understand that.

I liked times when it is just you and I. It made me think about what life could be in the future. You're my safety net. I feel so comfortable with you.

But I also guard myself. You asked what's on my mind, I said nothing. I could have said all of this but I didn't. I stopped myself.

Why do I do that? Why do I keep stopping myself? Why can't I open up? What am I so afraid of?

Losing you.

I don't want that.

Ever.

And I hope you don't want that either.

I'm afraid of really opening up and pushing you away because of it. That if I really tell you everything on my mind sometimes that you'll leave. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid that you are going to change your mind on us. It took me forever to begin to construct a life where you weren't a major component the first time. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe I am just over-thinking. We both know I do that too much. Maybe people put ideas in my head about what I should expect. And I expected that. Or something similar. But it didn't happen. Even our pictures look awkward! Gah! Why? They shouldn't look awkward. Maybe the first one because neither of us really wanted a picture. But still.

Do I push you into an answer? Do I wait - at minimum - a year and a half for anything to come of us? Because sometimes I doubt that anything will. We've been in our back pocket for a long time now. I'm getting tired of waiting. Tired of constantly worrying that you've changed your mind. But we rarely ever talk about it so it could be possible.

I want a plan.
I want to feel comfortable enough to be in your bubble.
I want to not be guarded with you.
I want to know that you and I are going somewhere.
I want to be with you.

I know we've talked about how great of friends we are and how we are so open and that we always want the other in our life. Right now, if this were to fall apart again, it would take a long time for me to let you back in.

Maybe I care too much. I always feel like I invest more in others than they invest in me. Being the one that cares more isn't fun. But do know I will work for this if it is what you want.