So in general:
My brain is on constant alert. 24/7. It is always going. Not just random thoughts like "Oh, I want a dog." or "I need to clean." or "I like this song." They are more repetitive and worrisome.
"What if this happens?" "Did I forget to do this? Oh I better go check." *Check* *Worry that I checked wrong* *Check again* *Worry that checking it didn't work* *Check again* *Worry that I only checked it three times* *Check again*
I overthink and overanalyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Every single second of my day. Everything I say. Everything people tell me. Their body language. My body language.
When I was about 8 I started this thing where I bite my lips according to my age. I make sure there are an equal amount of bites on the left and right side, as well as the top and bottom of my lips. Weird, I know. I do this every day. Especially when I get nervous, I bite and count. I don't know why I do, what provoked me to start it...but it is what I do. Maybe it calms me down? I don't know. But I do it. At least once I day, usually when I wake up. I've probably wasted a year of my life doing this.
In social situations:
I need control. I need to make sure my environment is safe and secure. That need for control makes first day of classes really, really hard. When I was in elementary school I would get very anxious on the first day.
I remember the first day of fourth grade I had a complete meltdown when my mom took me to my classroom. Even though I knew the large majority of the class, I didn't know the teacher, it was my first year in the school without Nate, and I was on a different side of the school that I didn't know. I didn't know what we were going to do or where I was going to sit or where my best friend was or who I was going to sit by at lunch or if I was going to make it through the day. All of those thoughts hit me at once and I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt like the room was caving in on me and I couldn't leave. They wouldn't let me. I had to sit there and panic while everyone else had a seemliness transition into the first day of school. I still think about it to this day.
Another story. I actually don't remember how old I was but I was either going into 5th or 6th grade. I was in girl scouts back in the day. My friend Jacqui and I convinced our parents to sign us up for this week long camp. It was cheaper if a chaperon came with so Jacqui's mom and my dad signed up as well. We had to go to check-in early becasue our parents were chaperons and they had to be placed at a certain camp. I went in thinking I was going to have this awesome adventure week with my dad and I was very mistaken. Because we live in a society where people have to talk to strangers and make new friends they separated us from our parents, I was lucky that they didn't separate Jacqui and I. The only time I would see my dad was at meals but they wanted us to sit with our camps so we could make friends. I would panic at every meal. Three times a day for a week. He would wave while we were eating. When I knew it was getting close to clean up time where we all went our separate ways I would panic. I didn't want people to know I was having some sort of separation anxiety (I didn't know that is what it was at the time) so I said I would get headaches because of the noise (it did get pretty noisy).
-- A little side note: Oggy came on this trip with me and everyone in my camp made fun of me for it. Girl Scouts were bitches.
ANYWAY! Back to my brain during social encounters.
I feel a constant need to please everyone. Make sure everyone is happy. I hate confrontation because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So in turn I put everyone's needs in front of mine. However, I have become pretty good at knowing when I need to stop and take time for myself. I fear that if someone I admire or someone that I am close to leaves me alone, they won't come back. Dramatic, I know. I also worry about what people think of me (to a point, and I don't know how to explain it). I feel like I bother people so I give them space, but giving them space makes it seem like I'm pushing them away and that I don't want to be friends, which isn't the case. It is a constant battle. It also goes the other way. When people don't respond to a message my brain thinks that they hate me, don't want to talk to me anymore, and would rather not have me in their life. Thanks, brain.
I am always out of my comfort zone. Always. I hate meeting new people. Absolutely hate it. I feel like people are always judging me, thinking all of these negative thoughts about me. I even think that way about acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in a while. I worry about all of the "what ifs" when I'm talking to people. Because my mind is going on it's on train wreck of thoughts I don't speak up much. I'm too consumed with the worrisome thoughts to start conversations or to pipe up in a discussion.
--Side note: When I come back and we get together, I try so, so hard. I still get worried and nervous when talking to you. Here is why: I'm not used to how you communicate in person, I still worry about saying the "wrong" things, and can't control the environment around you. That uncertainty kills me. It gets better, every little bit counts, but it is so hard sometimes.
The thing is, I know these thoughts are irrational, but I can't help it. I just can't stop these thoughts no matter how hard I try. I feel sometimes like I'm always disappointing people. I worry so much about making sure I live up to their expectations, especially doing things like this internship, I feel like I've lost my own expectations of myself.
Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.
I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.
I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.
Sometimes (more often than not) I feel very lost, like I don't know who I am. Maybe it is because I'm worried about other's. But even sometimes, I don't know my own interests. I feel like I characterize on very few things: coffee, Disney, and...I can't even think of a third one. That's sad. Two things. Maybe other people think of other things. I think that I have spent so much time taking care of others needs and desires that I've lost who I am over the years.
I worry and then worry that I am worrying too much. It is a vicious cycle that I don't know how to stop. I've adapted well to make it seem like I don't worry much or that things don't bother me. But I worry. And I overanalyze. And I make things seem a lot worse than they actually are. I'm not superb at talking but conversations are how I try to gauge people. If people don't tell me how they're feeling or their thoughts about me, my mind goes dark. I'm very contradicting because I feel like I am an optimistic person, at least that's how I come off to others. But when I'm alone and my mind can wander, I become very pessimistic. I don't know how to balance the two, balance my worries, balance anything.
I guess my main point is that I feel very lost because I don't feel like I "fit". I don't feel like I have a place in life and I try...or at least I want to try and I just can't. I get too anxious or nervous that my body stops me. It is so hard because I would love to not be nervous or anxious or worry like I do but I don't know how to not be those things. I would love to be able to start a conversation with anyone, but it takes every ounce of energy to do so and then I worry about everything I said when it is all over. Maybe because it is where I am in life right now, that I don't feel like I fit because I bounce between two places.
