Vulnerability

Being single....but wanting a relationship...but not wanting to put in the work...or risk getting hurt...or dealing with the "what if"... etc.

That's how my brain is working right now. I hate it.

I'm single. Don't necessarily want to be. However, I don't want to put myself out there. I would much rather hermit in my apartment watching hours and hours of Netflix while my possible soulmate is off doing something more exciting.

Sometimes I think: yeah, I'll go out and be social, meet new people, being more outgoing than I've even been... But I also don't want to risk getting. Doing that, putting myself out there, it's not worth it to me. I've been hurt in ways I didn't think possible by people I didn't think would ever hurt me. I don't want to feel like that.

Even if I meet a guy in class and we start talking and I start to develop a crush I go though this thing where I think of all the possible outcomes. What if we do this, what if they find out about blah, blah, blah; what if they don't like x, y, z. I wonder if they're thinking about me, what do they think about me, etc.

Going though that is absolutely terrible. It's not fun for me to be worried constantly if I am my crush's crush. Even if we start dating I worry about things like this.

Although most of my relationships don't go that far because I find reasons to run. I hate hanging myself on a line for someone, waiting on their every move. So, when I feel myself getting too close I make reasons to go away.

I don't want to risk myself getting hurt so I stop. I make an excuse as to why the relationship isn't working just in case I fall to hard and it really doesn't work. I save myself hurt. Feeling vulnerable sucks. But it has to happen in relationships.

Being vulnerable takes immense strength. It takes putting yourself out there, and doing what is in your heart and your soul.

It means admitting you love someone before he has told you he loves you. It means showing when you are sad. It means learning to be okay with your anxieties and fears and learning to turn them into strengths that lead you to emotional freedom.

You can't control the other person. All their actions could affect you positively and negatively. And that's scary for me. You have no idea what's going to happen and I hate not knowing things like that. I'm a planner so having all of these uncertainties kills me.

Sometimes I think, yes. Throw yourself out there. Test the waters. And I think about it. I want to do it. But I can never bring myself to go in there head first. So instead, I just think about meeting my soulmate...what he looks like, what his personality is, what his interests are. Hmm. They're happy thoughts! They make me think that he's real. Almost like a fairy tale. I would love for prince charming to take me away on a white horse and we live happily ever after. But alas. Life has a different plan for me right now. 

Maybe I'm supposed to close myself off, to not feel emotions, to not feel vulnerable. I've been hurt. I've let myself get too invested in people who hurt me. I don't want to go through that.

Is waiting for the "right guy" to come along the best way to Life? What if I don't get the chance to meet him because I'm too afraid to be vulnerable. But what if I waste my time on the "wrong guy" and let the "right" one slide by unnoticed because I'm too wrapped up in the wrong one? I guess we'll never know unless we try.

The thing is: I don't want to risk getting hurt by the "wrong guy". I don't want to try.

My thoughts are going around and around. Never ending. Never coming to an agreement.

I guess when the time is right, I'll finally allow myself to be vulnerable to others. And hopefully, it will be with the "right guy".

This describes everything:

So maybe someday I will meet some who will be my person. I would like that.